Friday, February 26, 2010

It was all very Olympical and Lenten (and it turns out, they're the same thing really)

Regarding Lent
Graci: I missed the first day, so I'm just going to do an extra day at the end.
Terroni: (laughing) Uh...I don't think that's how Lent works.
Graci: Why not? It's really just about seeing if you can do it.
Terroni: (hysterical laughing) Yes. That is what Lent's about.

A few minutes later, while watching skiing
Terroni: Come on now girls. In the spirit of Lent, let's git er done.
Graci: That's right! That's what Lent's about.

During curling
Graci: You would be good at this one because you're a clean freak.

Graci: The tension is mounting...
Terroni: Can the tension really mount in curling? I mean really?

(By the way, two google searches and a wikipedia article later, we still don't understand curling.)

During the skeleton
Graci: How do they steer?
Terroni: They use their chins.

Terroni: It's like they said, "Here's your piece of metal and your helmet. Now, go." But some people looked at it and said, "I'd actually like to crawl inside my helmet for this." And they said, "We have a sport for you. It's called the bobsled."

More Terroni: And, you know, no one from the bobsled should get a medal. Their medals should go to anyone who doesn't die doing the skeleton. In the skeleton, if you survive, you get a medal.

Terroni: Hey, what's she doing out there? Didn't they just say that has a baby? People with babies shouldn't be allowed to do this.
Graci: Who should do it?
Terroni: Criminals.

During bobsledding
Terroni: I would want to be the one hiding in the back.
Graci: You'd have to be pretty trusting to be back there with someone else doing all the steering.
Terroni: You'd have to be a hell of a lot more trusting to be back there if I was doing all the steering.
Graci: True.

During Apolo Anton Ohno's race
Terroni: What's on his chin?
Graci: Pubes.

During some other country's national anthem
Terroni: They should put up the words so we can learn the songs.
Graci: Uh, no one wants to hear you sing their country's national anthem.
Terroni: HEY.
Graci: You know it's true.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Proust questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Making you laugh, especially if you didn’t see it coming.

What is your greatest fear?
Being a bad doctor.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Virginia Woolf. Except...I’m not a very good writer or particularly depressed and am far too good a swimmer to ever kill myself by drowning.
But, we both have prominent noses, and neither of us is an especially good dresser…so there’s definitely something akin to kinship there.

Which living person do you most admire?
Mary R. Smith.

Which living person do you most despise?
I’m not really in a despising mood today.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I am, by my nature, unkind. This is to say, kindness does not ever come naturally to me. It is always a choice.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Bad tipping.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I eat amazing French food at least two nights a week. And, because the chef’s boyfriend considers me incapable of properly loading a dishwasher, I don’t have to clean up after dinner.

What is your favorite journey?
The walk along a South Florida beach early in the morning…and then again at dusk.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

On what occasion do you lie?
When it spares your feelings.
When it spares mine.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
The amount of time I spend worrying about it.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Like you do.
It’s a relative scale.
Note to file.

What is your greatest regret?
I regret about 35-95% of the shit that comes out of my mouth, depending on the day and whether or not I’ve left the house yet.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I’m going to be optimistic (which, like kindness, goes against my very nature) and say that I’ve yet to have the greatest love of my life.

When and where were you happiest?
This weekend, I was happiest curled up on Graci’s couch, watching the Olympics, mocking the suicidal sport that is skeleton. It felt just like it did when we lived together and I got to make her laugh every single day.

Last week, I was happiest sitting across from Blake in the back of a small pizzeria, drinking beer in the middle of the day, toasting the dawn of my 29th year.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Having no one who calls on you to love them when they are sad.

What is your current state of mind?
Is hungry a state of mind?

Which talent would you most like to have?
I would like to be able to sit down at the piano and play Jungleland again. There was a day, 15 years ago, when I could do this. In the time since I have forgotten how to read music and find middle C.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would be a more insightful friend…and also friendlier.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
They would have all been born on the first day of the month. As it is now, with them scattered over the calendar all willy-nilly like, I can’t ever remember the birthdays.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Today? Well, I started the dishwasher this morning. That’s something.

What is your most treasured possession?
1055 pictures…mostly of the nieces.

What is it you most dislike?
Dirty public restrooms.
The Pennsylvania turnpike.
Taking out the trash.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I’d be a snapping turtle at a petting zoo.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A niece’s favorite stuffed animal.

Where would you like to live?
I’m pretty happy right here.

What is your favorite occupation?
Some days, doctoring. Some days, anything but doctoring. I’m still trying to figure out how to get paid for all that corn I’m not growing.

What is your most marked characteristic?
I think they call it an acerbic wit. I’m funny if you’re laughing and bitchy if you’re not.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
He must be a scholar and a gentleman. The former implies curiosity, work ethic, and at least an 8th grade reading level. The latter implies class, kindness, and guts.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
She makes fixing it look easy. Curiously enough, this is also how I define maternal instinct.

What do you most value in your friends?
Laughter, loyalty, liquor. (Not necessarily in that order.)

Who are your favorite writers?
David Sedaris, Jane Austen, Harper Lee, Anne Lamott.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Atticus Finch.

Who are your heroes in real life?
People who know how to cut hair.

What are your favorite names?
Logyn calls me TT.

How would you like to die?
With my hair washed, my toenails painted, and my legs shaved. As such, there is a certain amount of grooming that must take place before I can drive on the highway, get on a airplane, or go skydiving.

What is your motto?
“I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my daughter…when you get to a certain age, there’s no such thing as natural beauty. It all takes work. Now, go put on some lipstick.”
–Elaine, secretary and life couch

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Lap 29, off to a good start

Blake: "Good morning! You want a beer?"

Terroni: "You know, if you weren't taken, I'd swear we were made for each other."

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Oh the weather outside

As I stared at the pile, shovel in hand, a guy walking past asked, "Are you really going to try to get that car out?"

"You remember that story about the guy who got stuck in a crevice while mountain climbing and then cut off his own arm to free himself?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said.

"Well, my car isn't that guy." And with that, I started digging. About an hour into it, the men in my neighborhood all came out to tell me there was no way I was going to get the car moved.

I said a thing or two about how chivalry was, apparently, dead and then suggested that guys who weren't willing to help should get their asses back inside.

As they walked away, one of them said, "Man, that bitch ain't trifling." Truer words were never spoken.

Two hours later, I sent my dad a picture of my handy work with a text that said, "Iron girl digs out vehicle." Iron girls--it's what he calls his daughters when we do something especially tough. He called me back to tell me he was impressed.

After all I did to get the car out, I wasn't going to leave it on a city street to get plowed in again. I threw my shovel in the trunk, dumped some clothes in my back seat, and headed for the hospital parking garage. The pile I left in the middle of the road behind me rendered it impassable--a friendly, little suck it, bitches for the neighbor men.

On my way, I ran into one other person digging out. A woman my age, no less. As I slid past her, I rolled down my passenger window and yelled, "Keep at it, iron girl. You got this."

She pumped a fist in the air and yelled back, "I GOT this."

Blake and Evan, my knights in shining four wheel drive, rescued me from the hospital. This was especially impressive considering they started the day without a shovel. When I told my dad that, he laughed. "Let me guess, they went out yesterday to buy one."

"Well, yeah...but you can't really blame them. They're Georgia peaches for God's sake."

Blake, ever the resourceful knight, "borrowed" a shovel from one of his neighbors, dug out his truck, and came to get me. Chivalry, as it turns out, is not dead. It's just gay. I sent my dad a text with the borrowed shovel update. "Wow," he said. "The peach becomes a pirate. Strong work."

When we got back to the boys' place, the three of us cut onions until our tear ducts bled. Then, Evan, tapping into his inner Julia, made soup. Afuckingmazing French onion soup. Soup and bread and cheese and wine and soup and wine and wine and wine...

Let it snow.
Let it snow.
Let it snow.

Abdomen: soft, nontender, nondistended

"How long have you had this abdominal pain?"

"Since October 2008."

"You've had pain just like this since 2008?"


"Does it keep you from eating?"

"No, not really."

"Ok, when was the last time you ate and what did you have?"

"Well, we had pot roast for dinner with mashed potatoes and carrots."

"You have anything to drink with that?"

"Uh...a couple glasses of wine."

"How many is a couple?"


"How many nights a week do you drink fourish glasses of wine?"

Meanwhile, I'm pushing on her belly with the force usually reserved for chest compressions. Distracted by the arithmetic involved in quantifying her alcoholism, she forgets to wince.

She finally settles on, "Well, you know...most."

"So, what made you decide to come here to the ER at 3 o'clock this morning with the abdominal pain you've had since 2008?"

"Well, I called my GI doctor at 2 and told him I've had about enough of this pain. He said, 'Go get yourself admitted, and I'll see you in the morning.' He's here at the hospital anyway doing scopes today, so he said it would just be easier this way. Are you going to call him?"

"Am I going to call him right now, at 3:30 in the morning?"


"No. No, I am not. Mostly because I'm not sure I'd be able to resist the nearly overwhelming urge to explain to him what the E in ER stands for."

Friday, February 5, 2010

Winter storm warning

It's the people stocking up on water I really don't understand.

We're going to get two feet of snow.
Worst comes to worst, you can bring that shit inside and let it melt.

Monday, February 1, 2010

A well loved woman

Text from Blake: Hungry?

Me: Yes.

Blake: See you soon.

Then, Evan made the best fried chicken ever in the history of fried and chicken.