Friday, May 9, 2008

This is the part that makes me cry

I called my grandma to ask her for my aunt's address. I don't keep an address book, I just call the one or two people I know who do. Anyway, I called for the address. Forty five minutes later, I got it.

Grandma really needed to talk. About how Grandpa is sleeping so much now. About how he can't drive anymore. About how this is all going so fast. And, about how the other night, she couldn't sleep at all.

It went like this...

I was serving at this big wedding at church all day. And you know, normally Grandpa would come with me to help with all the lifting. But, he was just too tired. So, I served the wedding alone. And, by the time I got home, I was exhausted. I took my bath and went straight to bed. And, well, he was asleep the whole time. He didn't even wake up when I came in, which, you know, really isn't like him.

And then, well, I just couldn't sleep. I was totally exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. I just laid there next to him, and I cried all night long.

Suddenly, I was so mad at him. And this is so stupid, but I was thinking, I've never even pumped my own gas! How could you leave me like this? I know that sounds stupid and so self-centered, but I couldn't help it. I was just so mad at him. I just kept saying, I can't believe you're leaving me.

I heard myself saying that, and I realized how ridiculous it sounded--me being mad at him because I've never pumped gas. I just started laughing. I did. I laughed out loud. I was laughing and crying. But, I never got any sleep all night long. The sheets were soaked with all my crying.

I'm feeling a little better now, though. Kelsy came over with Logyn today. When I told her the story, she was so sweet. She said, "It's okay, Grandma. We can teach you how to pump gas." I told her I'm sure I can learn.

But, you know, it's not really about the gas. It's about...

And, with a quiver in her voice, she swallowed her words and stopped there. She had said all she could say.


deboo said...

Ah, hon. You're a good grand daughter to listen. I don't think my Mom ever expressed her grief about Dad passing. She cried, but didn't really express herself. I'm glad you are there for her to talk to. And I'm glad she doesn't hold it in.

Hang in there. I'm sending warm prayers your way.


MmeBenaut said...

Grief is like that. Terribly, terribly difficult. You are wonderful Terroni for letting her talk it out with you; something you can't do yourself to her unfortunately. Well, you will be able to; just not now. She will recover, once Grandpa has passed though, probably faster than you will. Anger well along the track in the grief process.

PS I have given you your wish at MBOB today.

It's just me... said...

It's the part that makes me cry too...

Ms. Avarice said...

Aw, I hope your family can find some time to be together!

Amanda said...

oh gosh. wow. tears everywhere right now.

Maria said...

Oh, this one got to me. Because it is the little things that hit you the hardest. It isn't the grand gestures, the diamond rings for your 40th anniversary, is little things like the way they get up before you do and start the coffee going even though they don't drink coffee. Or the way that they throw a towel in the dryer when you are taking a bath and then when you are ready to get out, they hold out this nice hot towel to wrap up in.

Or walking by you and kissing your shoulder for no reason except that it is your shoulder and they like that one freckle an especially lot.

Oh, sweetie...Oh, sweetie.

I'm so glad that your grandmother has you.