Proust questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Making you laugh, especially if you didn’t see it coming.

What is your greatest fear?
Being a bad doctor.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Virginia Woolf. Except...I’m not a very good writer or particularly depressed and am far too good a swimmer to ever kill myself by drowning.
But, we both have prominent noses, and neither of us is an especially good dresser…so there’s definitely something akin to kinship there.

Which living person do you most admire?
Mary R. Smith.

Which living person do you most despise?
I’m not really in a despising mood today.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
I am, by my nature, unkind. This is to say, kindness does not ever come naturally to me. It is always a choice.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Bad tipping.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I eat amazing French food at least two nights a week. And, because the chef’s boyfriend considers me incapable of properly loading a dishwasher, I don’t have to clean up after dinner.

What is your favorite journey?
The walk along a South Florida beach early in the morning…and then again at dusk.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Chastity.

On what occasion do you lie?
When it spares your feelings.
When it spares mine.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
The amount of time I spend worrying about it.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Like you do.
It’s a relative scale.
Note to file.

What is your greatest regret?
I regret about 35-95% of the shit that comes out of my mouth, depending on the day and whether or not I’ve left the house yet.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
I’m going to be optimistic (which, like kindness, goes against my very nature) and say that I’ve yet to have the greatest love of my life.

When and where were you happiest?
This weekend, I was happiest curled up on Graci’s couch, watching the Olympics, mocking the suicidal sport that is skeleton. It felt just like it did when we lived together and I got to make her laugh every single day.

Last week, I was happiest sitting across from Blake in the back of a small pizzeria, drinking beer in the middle of the day, toasting the dawn of my 29th year.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Having no one who calls on you to love them when they are sad.

What is your current state of mind?
Is hungry a state of mind?

Which talent would you most like to have?
I would like to be able to sit down at the piano and play Jungleland again. There was a day, 15 years ago, when I could do this. In the time since I have forgotten how to read music and find middle C.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would be a more insightful friend…and also friendlier.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
They would have all been born on the first day of the month. As it is now, with them scattered over the calendar all willy-nilly like, I can’t ever remember the birthdays.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Today? Well, I started the dishwasher this morning. That’s something.

What is your most treasured possession?
1055 pictures…mostly of the nieces.

What is it you most dislike?
Dirty public restrooms.
The Pennsylvania turnpike.
Taking out the trash.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
I’d be a snapping turtle at a petting zoo.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A niece’s favorite stuffed animal.

Where would you like to live?
I’m pretty happy right here.

What is your favorite occupation?
Some days, doctoring. Some days, anything but doctoring. I’m still trying to figure out how to get paid for all that corn I’m not growing.

What is your most marked characteristic?
I think they call it an acerbic wit. I’m funny if you’re laughing and bitchy if you’re not.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
He must be a scholar and a gentleman. The former implies curiosity, work ethic, and at least an 8th grade reading level. The latter implies class, kindness, and guts.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
She makes fixing it look easy. Curiously enough, this is also how I define maternal instinct.

What do you most value in your friends?
Laughter, loyalty, liquor. (Not necessarily in that order.)

Who are your favorite writers?
David Sedaris, Jane Austen, Harper Lee, Anne Lamott.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Atticus Finch.

Who are your heroes in real life?
People who know how to cut hair.

What are your favorite names?
Logyn calls me TT.

How would you like to die?
With my hair washed, my toenails painted, and my legs shaved. As such, there is a certain amount of grooming that must take place before I can drive on the highway, get on a airplane, or go skydiving.

What is your motto?
“I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell my daughter…when you get to a certain age, there’s no such thing as natural beauty. It all takes work. Now, go put on some lipstick.”
–Elaine, secretary and life couch