Sunday, May 2, 2010

In spite of it

It has been a beautiful day. Ninety degrees. Sunny. I was on call last night but got several hours of sleep so I've been up to enjoy it. And enjoy it I have. Mostly.

I've been alone.
And lonely.

I'm not new to this alone thing. I am actually one of those people who requires a good bit of it. But, as it turns out, I also have a good bit more of it than I require. This is (mostly) my own fault. Today, in particular, it was my fault. I can see how I orchestrated this. It feels sort of like the time I shut my tiny finger in the bathroom door. I was six and was playing tag with my brother. I would have liked to have blamed it on him, but it was me. Knowing that somehow made it hurt even worse.

Like I said, though, it's been a beautiful day. I spent much of it in D.C., lying on the edge of this, my feet floating in the water.

A group of kids splashed next to me. At one point, the sky darkened briefly above me and I opened my eyes to see a lithe six year old boy soaring over my head. His mother yelled at him, "Hey, go around next time."

Ducks paddled past. One stopped on the ledge next to me to shake a little water from his fanny. He was standing so close, he got me wet. What he and the boy gazelle lacked in social graces they more than made up for in comic relief.

I read Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies for maybe the third time. I listened to Astral Weeks. I got a little sunburn. Alone, I enjoyed the beautiful day.

It was on the drive home that I realized I had distracted myself from this lonely, not cured myself of it. It's still here. With me. A shit ass companion, if ever there was one.

But, I'm okay. There's something to be said for calling a thing the shit ass it is...and now, maybe enjoying the evening in spite of it.


Eric said...

Well, if I was closer I'd be right over for that beer.

But, speaking of ducks...

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

Voted top joke in Belgium. Maybe why none of us can name a famous Belgian comic.

Terroni said...

God, Eric, you make me laugh.
Thank you.

.j.william. said...

Astral Weeks!! Alissa turned me onto that album. So dense and deep with layers and emotion.

Hope that weekend is ending well.

ps--K will be in D.C. from June-Aug, and I will join her for July. We will be needing to escape the tiny basement apt she'll be renting. Beer date?

Terroni said...

Beer date indeed!

Maria said...

I was just thinking about loneliness today. Liv leaves for the App Mountains with her father on May 27. Bing leaves for Africa on the 26..she won a Fullbright, that smart ass. I will be completely alone for most of the summer, well...except for Socks. Everyone keeps telling me to use this time to "find myself." This makes me laugh. I found myself when I had a child and again when I fell in love at the ripe old age of 47. Now, I just have to figure out how to live by myself again.

Maria said...

Shit. I mean Fulbright. I hate being caught in bad spelling.

secret agent woman said...

I also crave time alone and then wrestle with loneliness. Glad you did have a lovely day anyway.

MmeBenaut said...

Sometimes I feel loneliest when I'm in the middle of a crowd. The trick is to relish one's "free time"; there's always something to read, nature and animals to enjoy, and, you can try baking ... if the result is a disaster, no-one else is there to witness it! Go to a local farmer's market for produce, linger at the cheese and wine sections. Chat to others at the tastings perhaps. Of course, I never follow my own advice little one.