Thursday, October 6, 2011

A foxhole

At one point, I just looked at him and said, "You know, I have no idea what to do here. No idea. If you could just keep me from fucking it up any worse. Please."

In case you've ever wondered, what does it sound like when my doctor prays?

Except, maybe it doesn't sound like that at all. Maybe your doctor has his spiritual shit together and his prayers are all, "Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy medical knowledge..." Or maybe your doctor is a brilliant atheist (I've yet to meet a stupid atheist) who never finds himself standing at your bedside at 3 am with no idea what to do next.

Maybe this is just what it sounds like when I pray.

I don't do it often at work. It's not because I don't need the help. (God knows I need all the help I can get.) I don't ask for help because I'm not sure that God cares about the same things that I do.

I am all about making you better in this moment--relieving your suffering, curing your disease, keeping you safe. And, I'm just not sure that he's all about those things.

That said, when I had absolutely no idea what to do next, I looked at him and said, "Please."


Anonymous said...

I think this should be your prayer: "I am all about making you better in this moment--relieving your suffering, curing your disease, keeping you safe."


Maria said...

I find this turn in your blog to be really interesting....mostly because it was exactly the opposite of what happened to me. When I was first practicing and in med school, I took my first steps toward being an atheist.

You seem to be going the way of deepening your faith.

Neither are wrong, it's just interesting, don't you think so?

Terroni said...

I wonder what this is about myself. I'm not sure it's work. I think it's just coming up at work because I'm there all the damn time. I tend to get these waves of confused spirituality during the autumn months. Something about the shorter days, crisper wind, summer leaves blowing away...I don't know. And I always seem to be in the ICU this time of year. Sleep deprived. Surrounded by the sickest of the sick.

I'm sure it's in desperation more than spiritual grounding that I "deepen" said faith. I begin to feel, as Annie so eloquently put it, that I'm "fucked unto the Lord."

MmeBenaut said...

It is desperation that inevitably leads humans to seek the Lord from whom they may be estranged; or the Lord with whom they are intimately connected. It is the circumstance only that produces this reliable attempt at connection. Whatever, our Lord is always listening and, if he believes it is right, will grant our prayer.
It is also he who works miracles through your caring hands. That's what I believe, little one and your faith inspires my own.