Friday, April 25, 2008

Skinny bitch goes hog wild

When I told Dorothy that Graci was coming to town to visit us girls, she said, “Oh, oh…this will be good because I just bought a huge pork loin!” Apparently, she bought the big cut of meat hoping she’d have someone to share it with. So, last night, Graci drove into town after work and the three of us had Porkapalooza. Dorothy cooked, and Graci and I followed instructions. Dorothy’s rheumatoid arthritis limits her hand strength and dexterity a bit, so we transferred pots and cut meat—her younger hands at work.

I haven’t purchased meat since that fateful day in Borders when I picked up the book Skinny Bitch. I unknowingly flipped to a passage in the middle where the authors described in brilliant detail how terribly tragic it is for cows and chickens and pigs to be charged with TASTES GOOD MARINATED and then sentenced to die at the hands of sadistic slaughterhouse employees. Turns out, these delicious animals are mother and fathers with hopes and dreams for themselves and the calves and chicks and piglets they work so hard to feed, clothe, and keep out of prison and off the pole—not at all unlike the rest of us.

In less than a chapter, those damn skinny bitches sort of ruined bacon-wrapped filets for me. Now, I don’t buy meat. I do, however, eat meat that others purchase and serve. I’m not going to piss on hospitality to make a point. First, I don’t have the courage to be that hippie. Next thing I know, they’ll want me to turn off my air conditioner and give up my toxic chemical hair products—no one wants to see that sweaty, unstylish mess. And second, I have $120 to my name—I’m in no position to turn down free protein. So, if you invite me for dinner (or, should I say, when you invite me for dinner) and ask what I eat, I’ll tell you, “Oh, just about everything. I’m not picky.” I’m just not going to support the meat industry on my own.

Besides, my tongue has no morals. (Hi perverts who came by way of the google search that flagged that last sentence. Nice to have you.) My ethical objection to draining the blood out of innocent pigs has done nothing to change the fact that pork tastes great. Nothing. Last night, I ate more murdered pig than Dorothy and Graci combined. And then, I had some more. They kept exchanging sideways glances that said, “Where the hell is this skinny bitch putting all that food?”

The truth is, it was the most delicious meat I’ve had in years. In fact, now I’m being very careful not to read anything about how Revlon tests my lipstick on poor, innocent monkeys. I’m afraid it will suddenly become irresistibly tasty, and Dorothy and Graci will find me holed up in the bathroom eating my makeup bag.

7 comments:

Graci said...

It's true that she has no morals when it comes to pork. I was unfortunate enough to have witnessed the savage pseudocanabalism first-hand and am now afraid that I may never be able to eat pork again. And... to further prove her lack of principles, she even planned on stealing the left-overs from the almost 80-year old woman who had so selflessly labored over the feast. Thank goodness the housekeeper was there to keep an eye on her and foil her intended heist or I'm afraid she would have been damned to hell before morning.

All of this for some pork?

I'm thinking that maybe the skinny bitch needs to eat meat more often before she becomes trapped in this life of deceit and thievery.

It's just me... said...

I have a hard time with meat...not because I think cattle have hopes and dreams, (generally, I think they sort of live in the moment) but because it skeeves me out to think about the fact that what I'm eating is a muscle. And that there are veins in there. *gag*

Typically, if I've seen the meat raw, I won't eat it, but if it's presented to me fully cooked and delicious, well who could refuse that? Especially bacon....mmmmh.

jenny said...

lol, we hard pork for dinner last night, I like meat but I try not to think of where it came from. Its like our nine chickens, I still eat chicken just not my own chickens! They're pets! If I can just convince the dog that I dont need him to try and bring in the eggs for me...

MmeBenaut said...

Oh Terroni, you do make me laugh, little skinny bitch.
I try very hard not to think about the slaughterhouse very often. I had bacon with my eggs for dinner last night and loved it, even though the tyramines in it give me a headache.
I won't keep chickens because I don't think I'd be able to eat anything that was a pet. Lucky for me, I've never seen cat on the menu.
I know that in Peru, guinea pigs (cuy pron. quee) is considered a delicacy but I couldn't eat those little guys either.
I just figure that beef, chicken, pork and particularly lamb taste delicious roasted and every time I decide that I'm going to become a vegetarian, my taste buds betray me.
As for fish - I can eat it if someone else cooks it. Otherwise, I can't stand to look at them or touch them. Eeww!

Maria said...

This was such a great post. And who can hold out when pork is involved? Really, now. You are only human.

We eat meat rarely at our house, not because I am such a good vegetarian, but because Bing is not much of a meat eater and she does most of the cooking.

We did get takeout bbq chicken last night and I slopped that sucker up with some Kansas City sauce in a most unladylike way.

I dated a guy once who was a strict vegetarian. When we would go out to dinner, I could never get my much loved rare prime rib because it made him physically sick to watch me eat it. But, after awhile, when I realized that I didn't really like him all that much and he was getting too attached to me...I gave in to my temptations and he never looked at me with lust again. I'm sure it was that meat on my breath.

citizen of the world said...

Everyone has to make their own ethical decisions, and I've known others who will not purchase meat but also don't turn it down. I do understand and respect that desire not to offend a host. I can't do that, because I can't bear the thought of putting mammal or bird in my mouth. But I also don't make an issue of it or try to make other people feel guilty. I just quietly don't take and meat.

Shan said...

HAHA! Good one Terroni. If your post didn't get some googlie-eyed searchers maybe Jenny's accidental word in her first line will help.
Yes, the meat thing is "hard". I can barely stomach my own cooking if I had to see any raw and yuckies along the way. The carnivore in me does however spring up and dive on a slow cooked tender brisket just when I think I could do without meat altogether.
Christine's black bean crock pot lasagna sounds good though doesn't it?
I don't really think cows, pigs and chickens are on earth to have their own well thought out lives. I believe God gave us the go ahead to use them for sustenance. But I definitely want no part of the slaughter and I would want it to be as humane as possible as well.