Saturday, April 11, 2009

The stonecutters who adopted him

Do you remember Saturday Night Live's Sally and Dan Harrison, the couple that should be divorced? Had dinner with them. Except, this couple just got engaged.

Sally ordered herself a margarita and then started telling incredibly boring family stories. Dan rolled his eyes and occasionally interrupted her to ask, "Have you ever thought about shutting up? Because no one gives a fuck about this shit."

To which she would say something equally charming like, "You're such an asshole. And seriously, Dan, I can't believe I'm marrying someone so boring. You're just jealous because you have no family stories."

At this point, I tried flagging down our waiter to order myself another six or seven drinks. He gave me a sympathetic look from across the room and then pointed to the kitchen as if to say, "I'd love to help you with that, but I'm actually needed in here. Far, far away from your table."

Dan continued with, "Yeah well, all your stories are complete bullshit. Why don't you tell them the one about how you're related to Michaelangelo."

"We're not related to Michaelangelo, you dumb ass. We're related to the stonecutters who adopted him."

I began picking the wedge of lime from my empty Corona bottle so that I might suck the alcohol from it.

6 comments:

dive said...

Hee hee hee, T!
You are an awesome storyteller.

Christine said...

Had one of those dinners years ago. The husband actually said, "You ever roll over one morning and think, damn, this isn't the woman I married?"

Not a joke, and she wasn't laughing. She had also put on a lot of weight after having their babies. YEAH!

The best part? We were at a dinner party for a church Bible Study group! We had just moved there and had JUST met these people as we sat down!

Lovely.

Needless to say, he ended up sleeping with the 19-yr-old nanny and they've been divorced now for many years.

Maria said...

Oh, god...I think we ALL know this couple. And the weird thing is that she acts like she can barely stand her husband but if anyone says one word against him, she suddenly acts as if he is Jesus Christ.

She once told him to stop chewing with his mouth open, that he looked like a pig. She also refers to him as "fat boy" when he's not around.

They'll probably be together when they are ninety and she will throw herself on his coffin when he dies.

Eric said...

I was going to say the same as Maria, they'll probably be together forever. I gotta write about Karla and Bobby soon.

jenny said...

All the couples I know are getting divorced, I cant think of anyone who is actually together come to think of it.

I never ever look at couples and think 'aww, i want that' I'm more likely to shudder and be thankful I'm living my life!

MmeBenaut said...

Gosh. How rude!