Sunday, December 13, 2009


I was supposed to make dinner for Blake and Evan on Friday. At the last minute, I canceled. On my way home from work, I suddenly realized how exhausted I was from days and days of case management bullshit and no real medicine. I was completely drained. I spent the drive home thinking, Pull yourself together, T. Pick up a bottle of wine, change out of these scrubs, and start cooking. It's just a meal. Certainly, you can get through a meal.

I drove to the store, parked out front, and then and there, I lost my tenuous grip on together. I wasn't really crying so much as I was leaking from my tear ducts. I sat in that parking spot, and as the mascara dripped down my face, sent Blake a text message. I lied a little, telling him I had just gotten out of work. I didn't feel like explaining that I had actually gotten out twenty minutes earlier and had spent the time since unsuccessfully trying to pull myself together.

I apologized about dinner. He said not to worry about it, that he'd call me later.

He called me later. I didn't pick up. I was afraid that the moment I heard his voice I'd lose it again. Do you know that feeling? That feeling of being held together by such a threadbare strand that any kind word, any tenderness, any hint that this may be a safe place to fall will completely unravel you?

It was that feeling.

I took that feeling to bed. And, although I didn't exactly awake to a new day restored, refreshed, and ready to take on the world, I did feel a hell of a lot better after 15 hours of sleep.

Last night, there was bread dipped in cheese, fried meat, and chocolate--a much happier subject for a forthcoming much better post. Today, there was work. It was still a fair bit of case management bullshit--entirely too much time spent arranging home oxygen for a person who's probably never going to wear it (except maybe while she's smoking). But, there was also a bit of real medicine (nothing like a little respiratory distress to make a girl feel needed).

All's well that ends well, I suppose.

On that note, I'm headed back to bed. The threadbare strand seems to be heavily reinforced by hours of sleep. And well, as they say...physician, heal thyself.


Anna said...

Aww, Tee, I know how you feel. Don't worry, these moments come but they also go.
Never forget you are an amazing woman, with amazing friends. And you help people be healthier every day! But even superwomen need some downtime, some hermit time.

Sending you fortifying vibes from across the pond,


Terroni said...

Anna, this is not the first time I've thought about deleting a rather morose post only to find a comment from you that makes me glad I wrote it in the first place.

Thank you,

Eric said...

Yeah, T, we all feel this. I spent most of the week before in the same mood...just feeling burnt out I guess.
Re: the O2 receiving smoker, there used to be a dispatcher in a nearby town...Betty...she used a wheelchair, had a bottle of oxygen, and dyed what was left of her hair (it always looked like thin cotton candy) either pink or blue.
Anyway, she smoked while using oxygen...and exploded.
Not fatally, but she did have less hair.
I hope you're feeling better.

Anna said...

Aww, I'm glad I helped a little. That was a very sweet thing to say.

graci said...

Will you settle for making a difference in the life of someone who isn't your patient? I know that practicing real medicine is what you've worked so hard to do, but don't forget that you have healed in so many other ways.

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good

MmeBenaut said...

Hear, Hear to Anna & Graci. Exhaustion can do that to us all little one. Your solution sounds spot on!

I loved your four part piece on New York; especially since I now have a much better idea of the stomping ground :)

Maria said...

Well, I was wondering when this post would come. Because there is no way to avoid it. And I am serious. Sleep is a big cure all. When one is over worked AND underslept, there is just this...chaos.

Things will improve. I promise. But not for a while.

And you know, sometimes it helps to just have a mindless fuck with someone who doesn't expect you to buy him a birthday present or anything.

Susanlee said...

-hug- Love you.

secret agent woman said...

Two weekends in a row my dinner guests (two different sets of people) cncelled out on me at the last minute. I mena after I already had the dinner prepared. I've decided the universe is sending me a message to slow down and take some time off for my own healing. I've also decided to listen to that message.

Vic said...

Those tears that come out the edges - I used to have a girlfriend who would look at me when I was crying like that and say awww, you're leaking. And that's what it has always seemed to be, when there's so much sad inside it just wells up and leaks out the edges.

Go slow, mate. Give yourself a bit more thought because if you burn out, you're no good to anyone else, let alone yourself.

Love and hugs,