Friday, September 9, 2011

On faith...or whatever this is

The older I get, the less I know for sure...and the more this feels like a powerful, peaceful, liberating kind of knowing in itself.

I grew up with fundamentalist Christians. I knew a lot of things for fucking sure. I had a firm grasp on most of what was so clearly the black and white, good and righteous truth.

It only makes sense to me that this truth still exists. To say that it is relative or that I could just live my own version of it would be to betray an ignorance of the very word. But, it makes even more sense to me that something as righteous as this cannot ever be understood by something as human as me.

When I say that I know there is a God, I am not convinced of my rightness. I am, instead, sure of my experience. While those things may sound the same, they feel like the difference between Jerry Falwell and Anne Lamott.

The older I get, and the more I have some experience of God, the more I know that, mostly, I just don't know. Resting in that, in a God that understands that, feels like grace.


Maria said...

It's always been just the opposite for me. I looked around at other people and their surety and wondered if they were just pretending or walking the walk or if they really, truly felt a presence. I never felt it. Not once. And since I refused to be a hypocrite, had to be agnostic. I always hope, though, that something will happen to change my mind.

j-dub said...

Terroni! I find myself revisiting old blogs (mine and others') and missing your writing. If you found your way to wordpress or tumblr or some other site that you are okay with folks reading, please share. probably can't even get this, but just in case! know your writings and musings are missed.


(sweet merciful crap, I can't believe I signed this, as if it won't add my name automatically. you'd think I was eighty years old.)