Saturday, November 15, 2008

I could bedazzle you an eye patch

Written on my way home the other night...

Three days of interviews. Everything went very well. (I think. I don’t know. It’s hard to tell. They’re nice to everyone but they certainly don’t love us all equally. So, who knows. Every year, people get fooled into believing that a program that didn’t really want them really wanted them.) But, frankly, at this point, I’m too exhausted from interviewing to talk much about interviewing.

I'm sitting in LaGuardia, waiting to catch my flight home. I just caught a glimpse of my reflection in a window—business casual, dress coat, make up, handbag. I thought, when did I become such a grown up? It sort of snuck up on me, I suppose.

When you’re having phone conversations like this with your best friend at night, you hardly expect to wake to a grown up in the morning…

“I was walking through Times Square tonight when I saw an older woman and her husband headed to the theater. He was in a suit. She was wearing a black dress, black pumps. She had lovely hair. Oh, and an eye patch. A black eye patch. Like a pirate.”

“Awesome.”

“Yeah. And then, I couldn’t help but wonder, do they make flesh colored eye patches? Because, if not, I think they should. I’ve only ever seen them in black, but I think that flesh colored might be less distracting. Less…piratey.”

“Maybe she liked the black one.”

“Well, I did consider that. It was kind of a silky eye patch, and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she chose it to match her outfit.”

“Maybe it was her fancy patch.”

“Exactly, like her dress patch. I considered the fact that maybe she has them in black, brown, and navy.”

“Then, she’d have a patch to go with everything.”

“Exactly. But still, I think that given the option, flesh colored would be better.”

“I don’t think so. I think that flesh colored would just sort of look like they sewed your eye shut.”

“No, it wouldn’t. They sewed my grandma’s eye shut once and it didn’t look like a flesh colored eye patch.”

“They sewed her eye shut?”

“Yeah, it was sewn shut for six weeks after she had a basal cell removed from her eyelid. We called her Cyclops. But, that’s not really the point. The point is…”

“I know, it didn’t look like a flesh colored eye patch.”

“Exactly. You know, I should look for a souvenir eye patch for you while I’m here. One with the statue of liberty bedazzled on it in sequins or something.”

“Do they make those?”

“I don’t know, but if there’s one city in the world where you could find them, I’m sure it’s this one.”

“I could bedazzle you an eye patch. I’m crafty.”

“That’s true. Maybe we could sell them!”

“Yeah, and if that took off, we could branch out.”

“To bedazzled peg legs.”

“We could soup up all the prostheses.”

“And we’d call it Pimp my Prosthesis.”

“We would put hydraulics in them.”

“And subwoofers in the butt.”

“And neons in the…you know.”

“That would be fabulous.”


“You know, this may be the most ridiculous conversation we’ve ever had.”

“Definitely in the top five.”

14 comments:

citizen of the world said...

What they could do is make a flesh-colored eye patch with an eye painted or embroidered on it. You could have them match it to you skin tone and eye color. Or maybe a closed eye, like you were perpetually winking. Oh, the possibilities are endless.

said...

Ahahahaha!!

gitz said...

I want to live in your brain for a day. Just for shits and giggles. :)

.j.william. said...

if by "ridiculous" conversation you mean "awesome", then I completely agree.

dive said...

Pimp my prosthesis.
Hee hee, T!
Hey, BD on Doonesbury got his false leg jazzed up a while back; he walked into the auto spray shop and said "Pimp my gimp." I loved that.

You can get flesh coloured eyepatches but they're just not sexy like a black one.
Blinged eyepatches were all the rage with the girls here a couple of years back; you can probably pick 'em up on ebay.

Maria said...

Well, at least your ridiculous conversation was civil...

Bing and I got into a bitch fight this morning. I brought a birthday card to put by the kitchen phone for her to sign and made some snotty comment that it would be SO NICE if she took the time to scratch her name on Sven's birthday card, so that I didn't have to sign it for her like I usually do.

She then accused me of "hiding" cards from her so that I could have something to bitch about.

Believe it or not, this conversation went on for nearly ten minutes and finally stopped because Liv came into the kitchen and I refuse to argue in front of her.

And I'm STILL pissy.

So, yeah...a fun ridiculous conversation beats an inane one any day of the week.

Terroni said...

cw, Graci and I have discussed those possibilities, the closed eye patch in particular, which could be marketed as "The Palin".

Gitz, it's about 90% shits, 10% giggles.

jw, that's exactly what I meant. :)

Dive, thanks for the shopping tip! But seriously, all the rage? Fashion is so very ridiculous. (Graci just read your comment and said, "Pimp my gimp! That's a good one!")

Maria, ugh, that does sound like a particularly inane argument. That's the kind of argument you can only really have with someone you're sleeping with. I suspect that if Graci and I were sleeping together, it wouldn't be long before we were fighting about how to raise her cat (or something equally stupid).

Dear Prudence said...

Almost 15 or so years ago my BBF and I had a similar conversation about glass eyes. You could put all sorts of things in them; snow, glitter, little smiley faces and of course you could make them all sorts of colors and designs. That is what BBF's are for.

karen said...

Fabulous! I would buy a "Palin" and I don't even need a patch. I think you're sitting on something big here.

Amanda said...

hahaha...love it. but I think the flesh color from far away might freak me out.

MmeBenaut said...

Oh that conversation is so you Terroni! You are the diva of wicked, black humour. If you don't get the job, you could write screenplay dialogues for TV comedy shows and send them to Robin Williams and Jim Carey who would buy the film rights. The title of the show could be "Pimp my Prosthesis" with the main character being a female wearing a sequinned eye patch.
OMG, ROF LMAO!!!

nina said...

oh the bedazzler... that is what happens to The Apprentice runners up. they pimp the bedazzler without having permission to even say "The Apprentice" while introducing themselves.

Keeping you in my thoughts while you are interviewing. Isn't there anything "medicalish" to do here in Boise? Would be grand indeed.

neen

Terroni said...

Prudence, glad to hear we're not the only one tackling these tough issues.

Karen, maybe we'll use this to pay off our med school debts.

Madame, the fact that you just said ROF LMAO has me LMAO!

Neen, Boise--that's the Entertainment Capital of the World, right? ;)

nina said...

update:

the OxyClean guy is pushing something called "gem-it" its fabric glue... might be less work.

neen