Happy Birthday, Jesus

Mrs. Claus stopped by my parents’ house on Christmas Eve…


And, like every other girl who’s ever gone to a party dressed as Santa’s helper, she promptly took off all her clothes…


My sister-in-law, Trish, yelled, “No, Lucy, you can’t do that here. She loves to run around naked, but if you don’t watch her, she’ll pee on the floor.”

Then, we all watched her pee on the floor.

Trish immediately commenced to apologizing profusely. My dad cut her off mid-sentence, “Honey, if I had a nickel for every time a naked baby peed on this floor…”

“But this is your new carpet,” she said.

“This carpet was specially chosen to hide all manner of naked baby stains. Don't worry about it.”

My brother, hunched over the puddle on his hands and knees, Febreze in hand, was decidedly less apologetic about the whole thing. In the middle of his scrubbing, he looked up at me and muttered, “You know what I say...better his carpet than mine.”

“This is nothing,” my sister said. “Last week Logyn was standing naked over the nativity set and she peed all over the baby Jesus.”

“Wait a minute,” I said, “That nativity set? The one on top of the cedar chest?” The small glass figurines sit on top of a three foot high antique cabinet in front of my parents’ living room window.

“Yes, that nativity set. It’s the only one we have.”

“How the hell did she get up there?" I asked. "Did she climb the tree?”

“No," said my sister, rolling her eyes as if a naked baby perched atop the furniture was perfectly normal, but a naked baby climbing the Christmas tree was somehow beyond absurd. "I put her up there.”

“You took off all her clothes and then put her in the front window?”

"She had a diaper rash, so I was letting her run around naked to air out a bit. She likes to wave goodbye to Mom when she leaves for work. So, when Mom left, I stood her on the cedar chest to wave. Then she peed. Right there. All over the baby Jesus.”

“You know,” I said, “this kind of thing might go a long way towards explaining why the neighbors didn’t send a card this year.”