Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Verizon Wireless is run by Satan

My phone broke. In half. It is a shitpiece, and it is almost two years old, and shitpieces only live to be almost two years old. (Shitpiece is my new favorite word, by the way.) So, last night, I had to drive 846ish miles in the pouring down freezing rain to the Verizon store. I told them, "Look, my shitpiece phone just broke. In half. I'm due for a new one in less than two months. Can you help me?"

They said, "No." Except when they said it, it sounded like, "Well, we have many nice phones over here to choose from. You'll have to pay the full retail price, of course, because your contract with Satan isn't up yet, but I'm sure we can find you something reasonable."

I growled and said, "Show me your cheapest phone." And then it began. The fucking Verizon Wireless dog and pony show. The woman started talking about all the things my phone could do for me.

"For $212, this one has a built in navigator."

"Do you know how many maps I can buy for $212?" I said.

"Well this one has a directory in it...it's like the yellow pages."

"I get like the yellow pages for like free. And you're not understanding me. I just want a phone. I plan to use it to make and receive phone calls. I don't need it to store low-resolution pictures or music videos, or to sing to me with that crappy phone voice, or to give me directions, or to massage my feet, or to kiss my ass."

Talking low and slow while squinting a bit for effect, I repeated, "I just want a phone. Do you have one of those?"

In the end, I walked out $150 lighter with a phone that has a sticker on the back that reads, Internal Antenna Area--For best performance, do NOT touch this area while using the phone. So, now I have a brand new shitpiece that I have to carefully balance on the side of my face so as to avoid contact with the antenna. When I slip and touch it, it totally ruins my reception and probably gives me finger cancer.


Mme Benaut said...

I think your finger is safe! Sorry but I'm laughing too hard to make much sense. T - you're something else.

.j.william. said...

cell phone companies are, indeed, the spawn of satan. Katie and I got a new plan and phones and they switched off our old phones before we got our new ones! We couldn't even call to complain.

side note: I have a Verizon phone I could send you (2 years old, still in one piece). Can you take the other one back? I think they give a 14 day grace period or something.

Susanlee said...

They totally could have given you a new phone for cheaper than retail if you were that close to the end of your contract!! The employees always have that option if you've been a good customer and they have a soul. What a bitch.

Rich said...

You said it all right there!! Who really NEEDS a phone that will do everything from oranize your closets to oral sex? well the oral sex might not be so bad. ;)

sandra said...

On the bright side, at least you're not with Sprint.

Dear Prudence said...

You beter make sure that when they activated your new phone it didn't automatically renew your contract for another two years. Sorry to say but they did it to a couple of friends of mine and didn't tell them up front thats what would happen. They got ya by the balls and it doesn't matter what cell company it is.

Terroni said...

jw~ Thanks for the offer! My roommate made a similar offer today, so I'm going to look into it and hopefully get an old phone from her.

Rich~ For the record, I was never actually offered the oral sex phone. That I might have considered.

Sandra~ Welcome! I think I may try Cingular next.

Prudence~ Thanks for the warning...I just checked.

Maria said...

Bing is nuts about cell phones. She bought us both ones that are called "razorbacks." I have no idea what to do with mine. It is metallic pink, which I think is all boss and everything but I don't really care to watch movies on it as it brags it can do when I turn it on every morning....

Cheryl said...

I can't believe they wouldn't bend over backwards to keep you as a customer. Shame on them.

Finger cancer? My daughter told me she thinks she has ear cancer. I felt the bump in her earlobe and told her it was a pimple.