I beat up Dive and stole his meme

Nothing good to post. Too busy studying to be my normal cute and charming self. So...I lifted some questions from Dive's favorite meme.

1. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
Toby Keith. I'd rather sit through restless leg commercials than watch him sing about Ford trucks.

2. What is your favourite cheese?
Most of the cheese in this town comes in a squirt can. My favorite cheese is any cheese eaten elsewhere.

3. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
Make your own damn sandwich!

4. You, Elvis and Princess Diana (yeah, I know they both smell a bit now but you'd still give 'em one; right?) are in a dog sled, fleeing across the Siberian wastes with wolves in hot pursuit. The wolves are catching up fast. Who would you throw out to gain speed and why?
Myself. I'd rather go it alone with the wolves than be stuck on a dog sled with those two.

5. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Richard Gere.
But it will be happening more than once.
They always come back for more.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
After watching that Hallelujah video, might have to be k.d. lang.

7. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
Morning after pill.
(I realize that Richard's probably too old to get anyone pregnant, but k.d. looks frighteningly fertile.)

8. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
San Francisco to see friends.

9. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
Treat my friends to dinner. I know, it sounds lame, but they are always paying for me and I'd love to return the favor.

10. Your dream date. Who, where and why?
I'm not dating or dreaming of dating.

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?
This question is too hard for a stupid medical student.

12. Okay; girls and gay guys stand over here; guys and lesbians over there (I know and love my readership) …
Girls and gay guys first: You're in bed with Marilyn Monroe, Doris Day and Salma Hayek. Who's gonna be the lucky girl? (you're only allowed one).
And similarly, guys and lesbians: You're in bed with Cary Grant, Paul Newman and Johnny Depp. Who's gonna be the lucky guy? (again, you're only allowed one).
Give your reasons.
I think I'm going to turn in my straight girl ID and switch teams so I can sleep with Cary Grant. I can think of no better reason to become a lesbian.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Don't touch my stuff.

14. What is your favorite curse word?
You expect me to pick just one?
What the cock is that shit?

15. Your house is on fire! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object (that's "inanimate" … leave your kids to burn; you know you want to). So what’s the item?
A key-chain my father gave me for Christmas. It was a gift to him from his mother.

16. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Kill the Angel of Death.

17. Truthfully, what underwear are you currently wearing?
The boring kind. I never could get used to thongs.

18. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
Everyone always tells teenage girls that they will regret "going too far" with their dates. I actually regret not going far enough with one of mine. I'd kind of like to see where that kiss could have gone...

19. Moses trips on his robe and drops the stone tablets. Commandment number eleven is broken off. He leaves it there as his back is killing him. What does it say?
Don't eat yellow snow.

20.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Junior High.

21. Rufus appears with the time machine and a custard pie. Who's gonna get it?
The jackass who ranted about the need for enhanced border security while we sat in a Mexican restaurant.

22. What part of your body would you change (no, you are NOT perfect; you gotta answer this one) and why?
Chin--I could use one.

23. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
Rick's Bar in Casablanca. (I stole this answer from Dive, and I'm not even sorry.)

24. What's the last thing you ate?
Lentil salad--yum!

25. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Suddenly, you have gained the ability to float. Who are you going to show this to first?
I didn't answer the super-powers question, so no danger there.

I'll show my roommate--she's the only one who's ever around.

Now that I think about this, though, she'll probably want me to float into the kitchen and get her something to drink. So...on second thought, I'm just keeping this to myself. The less people expect of me, the better.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, once again Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
No one. I think we pretty much die when we're supposed to.

27. What’s your theme song?
Right now, it's Get Out the Map by Indigo Girls.
Because I hate this town.

28. When did you last have sex?
With someone else?

Something to drown out the ringing in my ear.
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Wrinkles

With every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face.
~ Indigo Girls

I was looking in the mirror today, examining 3 pimples and trying to formulate my plan of blemish attack, when I got distracted by my wrinkles.

I know what you're going to say. Wrinkles? What wrinkles? Isn't she like 26?

Yeah, I am. And I've got wrinkles. Several on my forehead, and fairly prominent laugh lines between my mouth and nose. They are especially noticeable with makeup. They appeared in the last year and are a gift from my mother. She passed them on from my grandmother. Because sharing is caring.

I have mixed feelings about them (the wrinkles, not my female relatives). I really don't mind looking older. I appreciate the way a woman's body can tell her story. In that way, I think aging can be really beautiful. On the other hand, I'm a little afraid I'm going to look like a prune by the time I'm 30.

For now, I've decided on sunscreen and acceptance. I'll let you know how that works out.

Thank you

To those of you who so generously offered words of sweet encouragement after my last post.
And to my roommate, who woke me up this morning with a hug.

Thank you.

Nobody's crying

I had to go to the bank today to try to remove my name from a joint checking account with my ex--one of the last loose ends to be tied up before this divorce is final in a few weeks. I had been avoiding running this errand for months. After I left him, there was so much to do. Collecting and organizing all the documentation for the restraining order was a part-time job. And frankly, it was probably good for me. It gave me something to do. Made me feel like I had some control over the situation. Once things settled down and the paper was all filed away, though, I never wanted to touch any of that shit again. Today, I was reminded just how miserable dealing with all this crap can be.

The woman at the bank said I had to contact him to take my name off the account. I explained that I couldn't do that. That there was a restraining order. I hate having to explain that. Believe it or not, I'm a pretty private person. With the exception of my roommate, people don't know much about my life. Hell, for five years, no one knew what a nightmare my marriage was.

Plus, when people hear restraining order, they quickly feel really good about themselves. It's like an instant self-esteem booster. Like, "Wow. I thought I was a loser. But this idiot is such a poor chooser, she has to get judges involved in her break-ups." The woman at the bank grew three fucking inches when I said it. Then she looked at me like I was part of what was tearing up society.

I wanted to say, You know, I tried the best I could. I really did. I loved him more than anyone ever has. It didn't fix him.

I said nothing, of course. I couldn't have said any of that without crying, and I don't cry in public. I sat there and let her have her moment of self-righteous judgment.

I came home to listen to Nobody's Crying by Patty Griffin... and cry.

Well he jumps in the taxi, for the sky
He's off to slay some demon dragonfly
And he looked at me, that long last time
Turned away again and I waved goodbye
In an envelope, inside his coat
Is a chain I wore, around my throat
Along with, a note I wrote
Said "I love you but, I don't even know why"

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying

Well a long night turns into a couple long years
Of me walkin' around, around this trail of tears
With the very loud voices of my own fears
Ringin' and ringin' in my ears
It says that love is long gone
Every move I make is all wrong
Says you never gave a damn for me
Or anything, for anyone

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying
Nobody's crying

What a way to go

At about 8:30 this evening, I decided I was hungry. We don't have any food in the apartment except fiber cereal, Clif bars, and mustard, and I wasn't in the mood for mustard. So, at 9 pm, I was trolling the grocery in ripped jeans and a stained hooded sweatshirt (I'm bringing sexy back, by the way) looking for dinner. What resulted was nothing short of a culinary masterpiece.

Here's how it works: Spread 2 lb. of frozen hash browns in a casserole dish. Add a stick of melted butter, a couple cups of sour cream, a can of cream of chicken, a chopped onion, and a couple cups of shredded cheddar. Top that with crushed corn flakes and more melted butter. Bake at 350 for 45 minutes covered and then another 15 or so uncovered. Eat this at about 11 pm, and then sit around on your ass for a few hours talking about the things you'll miss most when you die from the coronary.

In all seriousness, I should warn you... this meal is not for everyone. If you are under the age of 16 or over 65, you probably shouldn't eat this. If you have a history of high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease, cancer, or diabetes, you may want to chase it with some Hydrocholothiazide, Lipitor, Procrit, chemo, insulin, booze, and prayer.

The roommate and I are really brave, though, and have decided we're going to make the dish again next week. We are going to substitute some of the sour cream for more cheese and skip the extra butter in favor of some bacon crumbled on top. That right, I said bacon. I realize that I may not live to blog about that, but what a way to go.


Sing it with me now,
They tried to make me go to cheese-hab but I said 'no, no, no'

Meme

Blame Maria. She tagged me.
To read much better answers to these questions, visit Matthew. He and I have very different feelings about showers.

3 Things That Scare Me:
1. People who own handguns. (This isn't a political statement here--they really scare me.)
2. The dark when my roommate's not home. (When she's here, I sleep like a baby.)
3. My own mediocrity. (The most frightening right now.)

3 People Who Make Me Laugh:
1. My roommate.
2. My dad. (The funniest IRS agent ever!)
3. David Sedaris. (If he ever does a reading in your area, go! It's worth every penny.)

3 Things I Love:
1. Showers followed by naps.
2. The ocean.
3. Avocados.

3 Things I Hate:
1. Dressing up. (I've got no nice shoes.)
2. The ringing in my left ear.
3. The food in our fridge.

3 Things I don't understand:
1. God. (Trying, though.)
2. Women who aren't feminists.
3. The cardiac cycle diagram.

3 Things on my desk:
1. New thank you notes.
2. My incomplete FAFSA (financial aid paperwork).
3. An unpublished research article I told someone I would read. (I'm never going to finish it.)

3 Things I am doing right now:
1. Listening to a song from Maria's latest post.
2. Struggling to keep my eyes open.
3. Thinking about how I have to pee.

3 Things I want to do before I die:
1. Find my work.
2. Raise a child.
3. Master bravery.

3 Things I can do:
1. Knit. (But only scarves.)
2. Talk. (I just don't know when to stop.)
3. Swim.

3 Things I can't do:
1. Play an instrument. (Played piano as a child. Now, I can barely find middle C.).
2. Cartwheels.
3. Speak a foreign language.

3 things I think you should listen to:
1. Your intuition.
2. Patty Griffin.
3. The person who knows you best and loves you anyway.

3 Things you should never listen to:
1. This President.
2. Gossip.
3. People who dismiss your potential.

3 Things I'd like to learn:
1. Sign language.
2. Suturing.
3. When to shut up.

3 Favorite Foods:
1. Salt and vinegar chips.
2. Aforementioned avocados.
3. Artichokes.

3 Things I regret:
1. The way I criticized my little sister. (I was too harsh, and now she won't return my calls.)
2. The way my marriage ended.
3. Signing a Verizon wireless contract.

Phew! I'm way too tired to tag 3 people.
And tomorrow, I'm going to regret staying up so late.

See Jane hide

Med school quote of the week courtesy of Dr. Endocrine, PhD:

My next door neighbor is 101 years old.
Her name is Jane.
She lets me pull her skin once and awhile.
She's really quite a nice lady.

I bet Jane spends a lot of time pretending not to be home when he knocks.

I almost forgot...

My roommate and I shared the best lunch today. A local Lebanese place offers a lunch special--4 sides for $5.99. We shared grape leaves, fatoosh, lentil salad, and some yummy chicken stuff (whose name I have forgotten).

We ate out of a styrofoam container on our way to the library. I almost killed us several times as I tried to eat while driving in the rain in a car that really needs a brake job. But barring the near death experiences, it was lovely. The food was good, and my friend's company was delightful.

I'm writing about it because, sometimes, the great little moments are the ones that I seem to forget.

15 months

U.S. is Extending Tours of Army in Battle Zones from 12 months to 15. This isn't 15 months in college, or a factory job, or office work.

This is 15 months in the desert. A desert where 3,294 soldiers have been killed and 24,476 have been wounded.

It's a volunteer army, but I guarantee you that those young people picking up free pens and mouse pads from recruiters in the high school cafeteria had no idea they were volunteering for this.

Going postal

I have had it up to here (she says, chopping through the air 6 inches above her head) with people bitching about the post office. My roommate and I were at the post office today, and as she was standing in line, she overheard two old ladies snickering, "This is why we should never let the government take over healthcare."

Here's the thing. When you walk into the post office, there is an automated mailing station that accepts credit and debit cards--the little pieces of plastic most Americans carry in their wallet for just such an occasion. Now, the automated station is in fact a computer, and computers can be scary. This one is pretty user friendly, though. You are never presented with more than about 4 choices at a time and it's all written in about 86 point font, case you forgot your spectacles. You just put your little package, letter, gift, or cooler of donated kidney on the little metal scale and it tells you exactly how much it will cost to send the damn thing. Then, you can walk over and slip it into the hole in the post office wall clearly marked Letters. Have I lost anyone?

If you don't have anything to mail, but just need stamps, turn around. Because right behind the automated postage center is a vending machine. Except, instead of soda, condoms, or cigs, guess what it dispenses? That's right--stamps! You put money in, it spits out stamps and change. It's like magic!

Best part? You can do anything in the preceding two paragraphs without waiting in line. If you are too stupid or scared to go it alone at the post office, or if you have some complicated maneuver you want them to perform on your behalf... you can wait. Without charging you extra, some underpaid government employee will walk you through your mailing options and then hold your hand as you say goodbye to your package.

I know, I know...occasionally things get lost in the mail. But if you have ever, even once uttered the phrase, "Check's in the mail" or "Well, I swear I sent that" when you haven't even thought about paying that bill or sending that kidney, you have nothing to complain about. If the post office was 100% reliable, you would be screwed, as no one would believe your bullshit stories.

Finally, quite whining about the rising postage rates. You do realize that you can hand these people 39 cents and they will take your letter to Alaska, right? I suppose this is less impressive if you live in Juneau, but you get the point. And... you can mail cash. They tell you not to, but I've done it. And you know what? It gets there. Why? Because they don't pilfer through the mail.

For 39 fucking cents, I wouldn't carry your shit next door. And if I did agree to take it, I'd definitely go through it on the way and pocket anything of value. I wouldn't even feel guilty, seeing as I was grossly underpaid for this chore in the first place.

So quite bitching, and be grateful I'm not in charge of the post office.

But at least I'm wearing regular pants

Test is over! And it went just fine.

These tests have gotten a lot easier--not the material, but the actual test taking. Last year, I woke up at 4 am before my first medical school exam to have four solid (or rather not-so-solid) hours of diarrhea. I didn't feel all that nervous, but apparently med school scared the shit out of my bowels, literally. This pleasant little ritual continued for most of my first year. A few tests in, I came to expect it and had gotten pretty good at reclining on the nearby sink and catching up on some light sleep.

I don't have a lot of spare weight to lose, though. By the time the 8 am test rolled around, I looked scary. Nicole Ricci Olsen twin scary. Plus, I had to wear the same damn outfit to every exam--gray, draw-string sweatpants. Why? Because they were the only things that I could keep on what was left of my ass.

But today...today I wore jeans! That's right, I have since grown out of my go-like-a-son-of-a-bitch routine and back into my wardrobe. This morning, I told my roommate, "Well, I don't know all the pharmacology, but at least I'm wearing regular pants!"

Get in touch with your inner hippy

No time for a real post. Studying for an exam. Fun Todd Snider song.

Conservative Christian, Right Wing Republican, Straight, White, American Male

Conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American male.
Gay bashin’, black fearin’, poor fightin’, tree killin’, regional leaders of sale.
Frat housin’, keg tappin’, shirt tuckin’, back slappin’ haters of hippies like me.
Tree huggin’, peace lovin’, pot smokin’, porn watchin’ lazyass hippies like me.
Tree huggin’, love makin’, pro choicen, gay weddin’, widespread panic diggin’ hippies like me.
Skin color-blinded, conspiracy-minded, protestors of corporate greed,
We who have nothing and most likely will ‘till we all wind up locked up in jails
By conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American males.

Diamonds and dogs, boys and girls, living together in two separate worlds
Following leaders of mountains of shame, looking for someone to blame.

Conservative Christian, right wing Republican, straight, white, American males,
Soul savin’, flag wavin’, Rush lovin’, land pavin’ personal friends to the Quayles
Quite diligently workin’ so hard to keep the free reins of this Democracy
From tree huggin’, peace lovin’, pot smokin’, barefootin’ folk-singin’ hippies like me.
Tree huggin’, peace lovin’, pot smokin’, porn watchin’ lazyass hippies like me.

Today's study break

Bruce and Melissa sing Thunder Road

I have crushes on both of them.
When I was 12, I decided I was going to marry Bruce Springsteen. When my dad told me that he was already married, I said, "That's okay, I'll just wait for his wife to die." Charming, huh?

In hindsight, I should have stuck to that plan.

Jim's mom

I talked to Jim on the phone today. He is a physician I used to work with and one of my friends who just lost his mother. Jim is not a young man, but losing a parent is hard at any age. He said, "You know, your parents are your connection to a certain part of your life. When they're gone, you feel like that connection is lost."

When I first heard that Jim's mom died, I thought of a conversation he and I had in the nurses station a few years ago. It was a Wednesday evening, and he was headed to his mother's for dinner. He had dinner with her every Wednesday. He said that after dinner he always fell asleep on her couch, and when he woke up, apologized for sleeping. She always said the same thing, though, "Jimmy, I love it when you come here and sleep."

I have thought of Jim every Wednesday evening since she died.
And although I'm not a big hugger, I really wished I could hug him as we talked today.