Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Nobody's crying

I had to go to the bank today to try to remove my name from a joint checking account with my ex--one of the last loose ends to be tied up before this divorce is final in a few weeks. I had been avoiding running this errand for months. After I left him, there was so much to do. Collecting and organizing all the documentation for the restraining order was a part-time job. And frankly, it was probably good for me. It gave me something to do. Made me feel like I had some control over the situation. Once things settled down and the paper was all filed away, though, I never wanted to touch any of that shit again. Today, I was reminded just how miserable dealing with all this crap can be.

The woman at the bank said I had to contact him to take my name off the account. I explained that I couldn't do that. That there was a restraining order. I hate having to explain that. Believe it or not, I'm a pretty private person. With the exception of my roommate, people don't know much about my life. Hell, for five years, no one knew what a nightmare my marriage was.

Plus, when people hear restraining order, they quickly feel really good about themselves. It's like an instant self-esteem booster. Like, "Wow. I thought I was a loser. But this idiot is such a poor chooser, she has to get judges involved in her break-ups." The woman at the bank grew three fucking inches when I said it. Then she looked at me like I was part of what was tearing up society.

I wanted to say, You know, I tried the best I could. I really did. I loved him more than anyone ever has. It didn't fix him.

I said nothing, of course. I couldn't have said any of that without crying, and I don't cry in public. I sat there and let her have her moment of self-righteous judgment.

I came home to listen to Nobody's Crying by Patty Griffin... and cry.

Well he jumps in the taxi, for the sky
He's off to slay some demon dragonfly
And he looked at me, that long last time
Turned away again and I waved goodbye
In an envelope, inside his coat
Is a chain I wore, around my throat
Along with, a note I wrote
Said "I love you but, I don't even know why"

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying

Well a long night turns into a couple long years
Of me walkin' around, around this trail of tears
With the very loud voices of my own fears
Ringin' and ringin' in my ears
It says that love is long gone
Every move I make is all wrong
Says you never gave a damn for me
Or anything, for anyone

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying

May you dream you are dreaming, in a warm soft bed
And may the voices inside you that fill you with dread
Make the sound of thousands of angels instead
Tonight where you might be laying your head

But darling, I wish you well
On your way to the wishing well
Swinging off of those gates of hell
But I can tell how hard you're trying
Just have this secret hope
Sometimes all we do is cope
Somewhere on the steepest slope
There's an endless rope
And nobody's crying
Nobody's crying


6 comments:

Melanie said...

people are like that? really? i had no idea. i also didn't realize the divorce was that recent. when things get this bad, that's not how i react. now...if this was your third marriage and all THREE had gone this way, then i'd probably be going "hmm". but not knowing someone and just assuming like that? it would never occur to me. bleah. people suck sometimes.

whatever the deal is with the ex, i hope that he's able to face it someday and maybe turn it around enough to have some happiness in his life. but yeah, it'll have to be new bridges, built somewhere else i guess. sounds like these bridges are broken.

Proxima said...

What an evil wench! That lady is lucky I wasn't with you to bitch-slap her back into last Thursday!!!!!

You don't need to be treated like dirt or run through a gaunlet, you didn't do anything wrong Terroni.

It's lame that other women are often meaner then men would ever be when it comes to taking care of such matters,like what? You lost one for the "team"? There's no team, you are your own army, army of one, uh-rah!

Don't let'em drag you down sweet cakes, your as peachy as the rest of us.

-P with much pomp and circumstance

Sassy Sundry said...

Wow. That's hard. I'm sorry that people are treating you that way.

Susanlee said...

I'm very sorry it's taken me this long to read this post. I would have totally flown up there and kicked that bank wench in the shin. I bet she was wearing panty hose. *shiver*

Well, in any case, I think you rock. (do people still say that?)

Maria said...

Holy crap. I had noted that you usually only post every few days, so I didn't even stop by and now I see that you not only posted, but you let some deep shit out.

I was puzzled, like Melanie. I can't figure out why anyone would think it was ok to feel superior to someone who had to get a restraining order. My first reaction would have been to make damn sure we found a way to get your name off that account.

And there IS a way. I hope you made her find it.

Never slap yourself around for this. Many of us have been in similar situations and just the fact that you left and took your life back says volumes about you.

zirelda said...

I found out during my divorce that not only do people feel superior but they also feel sorry for you. Like you've suddenly announced you have leprosy or some other fatal disease.

They must not know that life is a bunch of choices, some more significant than others but all of them blending us into who we are and who we will one day be.

At least you took the step. The unknown is terribly frightening and exciting and often much better than the known.

Good luck!