Thursday, May 3, 2007

10 interesting things...

I was tagged by Maria, and we are defining interesting very loosely here.

I started by asking my roommate, "Can you think of 10 interesting things about me?"
She said, "Ten!?! That's a lot." After thinking about it for awhile, she came up with number 1.

1. The most interesting thing about me is my roommate.

2. I was voted Most Opinionated in high school.
(I just heard the crowd gasp in shock.)
Actually, I think that they confused opinionated with sarcastic. In my opinion, they should have created a new category called Most Sarcastic and then voted for me. I may have even suggested that.

3. I once had amniotic fluid in my crotch. And I've never been pregnant.
Yeah, that was a fun day at work (see...more sarcasm).

4. I once went to a Backstreet Boys concert.
Not when they were popular. Oh, no. It's so much more pathetic than that. I went during their comeback tour. I didn't (and still don't) even know their names. My friend, J, a woman who just turned 50 this year, wanted to go. We spent all day camped out because J insisted on being in the very front row for this open admission musical masterpiece. While we waited, she taught me to knit. We made scarves for the Boys.

An hour before the show, these two little bitches came and sat down in the line in front of everyone. So, everyone stood up and rushed the door. Backstreet fans do not tolerate cutting in line. The bitches remained seated Indian style facing each other, trying to ignore the rioting crowd that was gathering rocks to stone them. I didn't even care about the Backstreet Boys, but when one of the bitches rolled her eyes at J, I lost it. I stood right in between the two of them, leaned over, and said in a real low growling voice, "Look, you little bitch, you can sit there as long as you want. But if you roll your eyes one more time, I'm going to gouge them out of your head with this knitting needle."

Apparently...I had what they refer to as Backstreet fever. I thought that meant you liked the band. Turns out, it means the band makes you want to blind people.

When we finally got in there, we were in the front row. The blond Boy reached out his hand to me, like they do for all the girls in the front. I just looked at him and shook my head no. You know how many people he'd already touched? Gross. He laughed. I'm not sure that had ever happened to him before.

5. People with large vocabularies turn me on. Vocabulary is not being used as the world's lamest euphemism here. I am acutally referring to people who know lots of words and can use them in sentences.

6. It took me 4 tries to get euphemism spelled correctly. I'm a terrible speller.

7. I had to go off of the Pill because of migraines. That's not the interesting part. The interesting part is that my booby parts fell off when I did it. I think my nose grew, though, so that makes up for it. When you ask the fellas what they look for in a date, they often say, "I'd really like a woman who's well-endowed. You know, with a huge schnoz."

8. I love vacuuming. I bought myself a new vacuum for my birthday. That's how much I love it.

9. I'm also in love with my MacBook. Madly, passionately in love with my MacBook. Love it even more than the vacuum. You know what they say, "Once you go Mac, you never go back."

10. I'm a dog person, but this summer, I bonded with a cat. An old, fat, smelly cat with bad breath and dissociative litter disease (that's a technical term for poops on the carpet).

I never, ever thought I could like a cat. I prefer my animals big, and stupid, and wagging. She is small, stupid, and scratching. But, she was my only companion, and we sweated out the summer together in the 90 degree heat in a ghetto apartment. She'd wrap herself around the back of the toilet (the coolest spot in the house) and I'd sit on the side of the bathtub and talk to her about how she was almost as good as a dog.

Susan, Ryan...consider yourselves tagged.


Susanlee said...

We (well Justin) also has a cat with dissociative litter disease. J. says it's because he's old and has to move around a lot to it out and the litterbox just doesn't cut it. I say he's out to get me.

Melanie said...

you know, i really don't understand dog people. i have a dog, and he's about as utterly dog-like as they get. i can't say he's stupid, because when properly motivated he can learn a new trick in 5 minutes or less. he even knows the command "Ottoman", which means that he is to stand in front of, but one foot away from, the edge of the sofa and let you use him for a foot prop.

However, I can't stand the little shit. It's not the fact that he is mortally terrified of vacuums, to the point that we have to put him outside or he will lose his bladder on the carpet. It's not the fact that he has a very sensitive digestive tract, such that if he manages to eat something other than his designated food he will cover every square inch of our floor with explosive diarrhea. It's not even the ungodly stench, really, because I have found that even with all that stinky beagle in his bloodlines I can wash him with my patchouli soap and he smells ok. (I'm avoiding the obvious hippie joke here.)

It's simply the lack of self respect. He has utterly no pride, none. I can't even look him in the eyes because he's so wimpy he will simply fall on his back and pee a little submissive fountain at me. Which of course makes me angry, which of course makes him pee *more* little submissive fountains. I just can't stand it. We have not been on speaking terms for weeks so far, since the last diarrhea incident.

amusings_bnl said...

the backstreet boys story is the best story i've read all year. i thought i was a drooling fan girl for guster and bnl. you became a drooling fan girl for ... whatshisame. the blonde one. is he nick carter or is nick carter in the other band? the gay one maybe? or is he in the other band.

anyway -- best story ever. really cracked me up. loved it.

and you'd love our house with the 3 wagging large stupid fourleggeds. it is a constant good time.

Maria said...

I am sitting here cracking UP at both you and Melanie. I don't get either of you. I am just not a PET person, unless you count beta fish. I have a beta fish named Party Doll (he is a male, but we are not gender specific at my house and hey...he ENJOYS being called that) and this fish ignores everyone else but loves me. This may or may not have to do with the fact that I am the only one who feeds him.

I have no idea who the Backstreet Boys are and if they will turn me into a knitting killer, I should probably avoid them.

I'm intrigued by the body parts falling off and others growing. I mean, you deserve your own special study, dude. (I say "dude" in a pathetic attempt to appear cool as I have noticed the word bandied around a lot in Liv's classroom.)

Amniotic fluid? Why, could be actually earning some money to pay for med school with stuff like that there, as we say in Nebraska. I mean, could be like the next topic in the New England journal....

And can we give your roomie a name? I suggest Betty. I never met a Betty who wasn't great.

M.Benaut said...

Oh Terroni - cats are wonderful and I'm glad that you finally bonded with one. We have five cats. I started with one but am so cat crazy that people kept offloading theirs onto me and then two strays decided to call our house their home. I love feeding them and they are so well fed that their coats shine and they don't chase the birds.
Our baby burmese sleeps under the quilt with us - she is smarter than the other cats but is the only one which will play outside all day and then rush inside to use the litter tray. The others are all too dignified to go inside the house. It helps to have lots of land and trees for them to climb which they do when they're showing off. So here's to Pretty Kittypuss Cat; Felix; Lillipilly Puss; Sascha aka Baby and Pussypuss aka Tiger Jim.
(There's also a one-eared cat who pops in for late dinner occasionally but I'm not encouraging her because she has a home)!
As for dogs, I love them but I don't like the parcels that they leave behind on my lawn. I don't like having to collect it in a bag and put it in the garbage and I admit to taking it and flinging it over the fence to it's owner's house. But the dog herself, Miss Piggy, is a delightful Staffy.

Mme Benaut said...

oops - that should have been Madame.

Bones said...

I can't spell worth a crap, woudln't trade my Dyson for a big-screen TV, and I love dogs.

And dogs love me.

And Melanie, the unconditional love your dog has for you even though you make him be your ottoman (footrest, not empire) is why there are dog people. Some of us like unconditional love!

Sassy Sundry said...

The Backstreet Boys make me want to blind people, too.

Sassy Sundry said...

So do the New Kids on the Block.