Wednesday, May 9, 2007

The inventor of the ocean

I was walking the beach the other day, and an older gentleman came over to chat. First words out of his mouth, "Have you ever seen anything like this before?" as he pointed to the ocean. He said almost like he came up with the whole large body of water-waves-sand-shore schematic himself. I looked at him the same way Tipper must have looked at Al when he first dialed up AOL and then said, "Have you ever seen anything like this before? It's a whole new way to get porn. I invented it."

He went on to ask me what I did for a living and what I was doing in Florida. Between every question, he looked me over as if I were for sale. He never quite made it up to my face, or he would have noticed that I was looking at him like he was delusional. I explained that I was vacationing and was really very happy just to be spending some time alone (hint, hint).

Since he wasn't leaving, I said, "This must be a nice place to be retired." (Translation: I can see that you are of retirement age.)

He said, "No, I'm just a bum."

I said, "Yeah. A retired bum."

He said, "Oh, no. Just a bum. Just hanging out."

Okay, first of all, there are no bums in the town where I'm staying. This is a very wealthy area. Second, the guy was standing there in his swim trunks. I was looking right at his wrinkly old man boobs, and those suckers were telling all the ladies on the beach, "Either this guy is old, or he sells his collagen for a living."

As I was walking away, he said, "Hey, you ought to give me a call and we'll go play."

We'll go play? Did he pluck that line right out of Creepy Shit to Say to Women for Dummies? I looked at him and finally just said it. "Sir, you are way too old for me." And that was the end of our brief romance. He left me. I turned up my iPod and walked away to grieve.

When I walked back toward the pier an hour later, he was talking to a woman twice my age. She was giving him her phone number. She'll be able to go home and say that while on vacation, she went out with the inventor of the ocean. That's one lucky lady.


dive said...

Wow, thanks, Terroni.
That's given me some great pick-up hints for the summer!
I'll go buy some trunks and work on my man-boobs.

.j.william. said...

ew ew ew ew. creepy old man nightmares.

Carrie said...

You are too funny! But bold and that i like.

amusings_bnl said...

initially, i thought you were going to have a wonderful and sweet little entry, like the time i was in Utah and a woman asked me to stop and look at the moon with her.

but. yours turns scary fast. and i laughed really really hard.

Anonymous said...

When men used to insist on getting my phone number and I was too shy to blow them off outloud I would give them the number for directory assistance, 555-1212.

One guy even said: "Wow, that's an easy number to remember, cool!

-P, not sorry

Sassy Sundry said...

I got asked out to a party by a man old enough to be my father last week. He also asked me what my favorite position was.

Maria said...

Well, damn. Like, amusings, I was all settled in and ready to read about how this sweet old man helped you see the beauty in nature again.

I think you should have told him hey, okay...yes! You DID want to play. And then produce a volleyball and smack him hard on the head.

Robyn said...

You handled yourself very well with the inventor of the ocean. It would be interesting to watch him for an entire day to see how many numbers he collects. ew

Susanlee said...

ew. *shudder* I can't think of anything else to say about this.

CS said...

"We'll go play"!! Oh, that's is so very, very creepy.

Cheryl said...

Ew, ew and more of that. Great stuff for a story, though.