Friday, April 27, 2007

Studying, fuming, and preparing for a solo flight

I just read a comment from Cheryl that said, "Time for a new post. Where are you?" I'm here, I'm here! But my computer isn't. It wasn't running off of the battery and is now out for repairs. Hopefully, it will be back by early next week. For now, I'm writing from my roommate's. Truth be told, though, I may not have posted anyway. I have been busy studying for an exam I take Monday and have been spending every spare moment burning calories fuming about my family.

My divorce is finalized on Tuesday. I go to court at 9 am. There have been many court dates, but they were all pre-trial hearings, so I didn't have to go. The lawyer man took care of it for me. I have to be there Tuesday, though, for the grand finale of my marriage. I thought that it would feel kind of like that--like a grand finale, complete with fireworks. Now I'm not so sure. I think I'm just going to be exhausted. I'm sort of exhausted just thinking about it.

I haven't seen the prince-not-so-charming since the restraining order hearing this summer. My parents were with me at the time in case they had to testify about all the sick and twisted shit he said to them after I left him. The whole thing was extremely embarrassing. Mr. Ex sent me 78 emails after I left, some of them disgustingly sexual. These were photocopied as part of the evidence, and by the time we got to the hearing, dozens of people--the civil mediator's office, the prosecutor's office, legal aid, his attorney, my parents--knew about them. I felt like I was on a Springer episode.

The day of that hearing was one of the most stressful days of my life. At one point, his lawyer threatened to question me on the stand in front my parents about my sex life. When I said, "Bring it on," he backed down. I will never forget how that felt. He was going to ask me about things that were completely untrue, but I didn't even want to go there. I wasn't thinking, "Bring it on." I was thinking, "Somebody just fucking shoot me."

What the hell does this have to do with my current fuming about my family? Well, completely immature as it may sound, I'm more than a little pissed that not a single one of the six of them has offered to be with me on Tuesday. I am not going to ask them because this is, above all else, my mess. I have no place asking them to take a day off work and drive 2 hours for a what will hopefully be just a 10 minute hearing. I'm an adult. And I'm capable of handling this (she says, trying to convince herself). Plus, they spent the summer treating me kind of like I was going to break in two if they didn't hold on for dear life. I don't want to start that again. (Does all this sound a little contradictory? It should, because my feelings are nothing if not ambivalent.) The sight of my roommate sends the ex straight to Rageville, so she is definitely not coming. And, as far as other friends go, there is an exam at school that day (the one I'm taking Monday), so they are out.

So...Tuesday will be a solo flight. In some ways, this will be a good thing. It will be good for the prince-not-so-charming to see me standing on my own two feet, not propped up by the loved ones, as I officially dump his ass. Unless he sees it as an opportunity to approach me after. Just in case, the lawyer will walk me to my car, a copy of the restraining order will be in the glove box, my emergency overnight bag packed in the trunk, my cell phone charged, my pepper spray peppered. It will feel a bit like my summer all over again, even if everything does go off without a hitch in this getting unhitched.

Well, that's what I've been thinking about. That, and reproductive physiology, the subject of my exam. Those last 82 paragraphs of emotional baggage and verbal diarrhea oughta serve as a warning--be careful what you ask for, Cheryl.
Thanks for reading.


ryan said...

good luck my dear
tough tough shit
so much pain caused by him
you can see it bleeding on the pages

i will be thinking about you
a day that will work out fine
i just have a feeling

Melanie said...

A quote from my own personal Bible:

"When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. "

~~Khalil Gibran, "The Prophet"

Melanie said...

(...which isn't to say "stick with the psycho", but to say, "don't give up on love. just on live with HIM.")

amusings_bnl said...

seeing as melanie gave you a good quote, I'll point you to a great song that should be your anthem for tuesday.

it is called "Prince Charming," and it is by a band called Jim's Big Ego. The URL to the song where you can play it online is:

and I think you should go play it now.

and here's the song:

I think you better cut all that hair off, throw it out the window
climb down from that tower
flip the wicked witch the finger
ain't no use to wait for him to get you, he's out chasing his own demons
not like you can really blame him
you've got demons of your own

and I hate to be the one to tell you, cause it don't seem so romantic
but that's the way it really goes
and now you know

you're gonna have to be your own prince charming
gonna have to ride your own stallion
gonna have to find your own castle
gonna have to raise your own sail
and there's gonna be a happy ending
but that's only the beginning
this ain't no fairy tale
it's true, it's real, it's you

Cinderella stepped out of her glass slippers, threw down that new apron
put on a pair of old Doc Martens
and stomped right out the door
the prince was still chewing on his bacon as he hit the open road
said life is full enough of disappointment
to go kissing any toad

and somewhere a band was playing
you go out and see the world girl
have yourself a ball

you're gonna have to be your own prince charming
gonna have to ride your own stallion
gonna have to find your own castle
gonna have to raise your own sail
and there's gonna be a happy ending
but that's only the beginning
this ain't no fairy tale

you're gonna have to be your own prince charming
gonna have to ride your own stallion
gonna have to find your own castle
gonna have to raise your own sword
and there's gonna be a happy ending
and there's gonna be a happy ending
and there's gonna be a happy ending
it's true, it's real, it's you

Mme Benaut said...

Well Terroni - that's a whole lot of advice, poetry and lyrics there. None for me my dear except to say thank God you're getting away from him. Going solo will perhaps give you a greater boost than having any of your family there. On the other hand, maybe they are just waiting to be asked? I've never been happier than I am with my THIRD husband. Don't ever, ever give up and good luck with your exam little one.

Susanlee said...

If you want me to, I'll fly up Tuesday. (Down? I have no idea where you live.) I have a million frequent flier miles just begging to be used. *hug* I'll be thinking of you.

deb said...

Ah, Terroni, this all sounds so very painful. But, you are strong and can do this and then - this too will pass. Remember that. There are brighter days ahead of you, and you are worth every bright light that leads your way.

I'll be thinking about you, sending warm thoughts on Tuesday.

Maria said...

Visualize me stepping out from behind a pillar and throwing a big pie in his mug right after the big showdown.

And I am SO glad that you saved all those e-mails, kiddo. I had a stalker once, and I found that saving those e-mails comes in handy if you have to go to the police. They read the ones she sent me (which were chock full of sickening expletives and veiled threats) and they sat right up and took notice.


And, is all gonna be fine. Maybe you should call your family and ask them to come? Maybe they don't realize that you need them?

In a week, this will all be in the past. One foot in front of the other!

And, I think it sucks that your roomie can't go with you when it sounds like she is sensational and a true friend. But, I got the feeling that he is a little threatened by her? So, to let it pass.

Hang in there. You will be fine. You will be fine. You will be fine.

Terroni said...

Thank you all so very much for these amazing words. You are so generous and kind. I am incredibly lucky to have you all here.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Robyn said...

Wow Terroni. You thanks us all for reading--I thank you for sharing so openly. I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday--you won't really be alone.

CS said...

You said a nice thing about my comment on Proxima's blog, so I had to come over and check out yours. And I see we are both in the process of a divorce, although reading through this makes me extremely thankful that I am going through an amicable divorce. As for family, it is a little surprising to me how non-helpful family and friends can be in times of divorce. Even ones who say they are behind you. (I've done a few posts on this topic in the past couple of months myself!) I will hold you in my thoughts tomorrow morning, and hope you walk out of court feeling lighter.

Cheryl said...

Thanks for the answer!

The divorce should be over by the time you read this. I was with you, mentally. I hope it went better than expected and that it's the last time you'll ever have to see your EX.