Sunday, June 17, 2007

And then...the squirrel fell on me

Just got home from my parents. I spent 24 glorious hours with my family, mostly trying not to use the more potent swear words. I have a mouth like a trucker, and a fair amount of stuff happens at home that makes me want to say, What the fuck?

Although I may be thinking that, I try hard not to say the f-word around them. You know, out of something resembling respect. I was doing pretty well--hadn't said it once in over 23 hours--and then...the squirrel fell on me.

My parents and I were sitting on their deck under a huge oak tree when I spotted two squirrels. I said, "Look at those squirrels. One is chasing the other, and biting him...in the ass!" We found this really entertaining. For about 7.4 seconds. Then, we went back to talking about whatever it was we were talking about.

While we weren't paying any attention, the ass-chewer chased his fellow yard rodent to the top of the huge tree and right off of a branch...onto my head. Squirrels aren't that heavy, but when you throw them from such a great height, they build some momentum on the way down and pack quite a punch.

Shocked and a little bruised, I yelled, "Fucking a--!" Just like that. Which is stupid, because of the two words in that phrase, it's not really the second one that needs to be abbreviated. But there it was. Twenty-three and a half hours in, and I let it slip.

Of course, I blame the f---ing squirrel.

14 comments:

Mme Benaut said...

"What the f**k? indeed! Naughty squirrel. No blame to you dear Terroni.

dive said...

That's fucking funny, T.

Rich said...

So you had a fucking slip so fucking what!! Doesn't make you a fucking bad person

amusings_bnl said...

oh my god. i am laughing my ass off. fucking A!!!!

i think if a squirrel fell on my head i wouldn't have time to utter actual words, much less swears. it would be all

aadnakdf;kj;andsfknad!!!!! gaaaaah! bleurght! ackpfth! and i'd throw the squirrel and THEN i would yell swears.

Susanlee said...

When I was probably in middle school we took a trip to East Texas to see my uncle and some other family and a squirrel running across a power line stopped long enough to pee on my little sister's head. She didn't have the "f word" yet but I bet if she had she would have used it...hehehe...

Sassy Sundry said...

Oh, that's fucking horrible---and fucking hilarious.

Good for you for swearing.

Proxima said...

That was hilarious! I chased a squirrel off the balcony the other day and it mised the branch. It was stunned for a momement, but then it went off foraging on the ground. I hated the sound of the "thud", I would have felt really bad if he'd died.

So I'm going to get rid of my feeder altogher, besides, the birds are starting to look chunky anyways and I don't want to be a contributer to bird obesity in America.

-P

Maria said...

Well, fuck me up good.

Not only would I have said "fuck", I would have probably kept screaming it over and over again until every fucking neighbor came running over to see what the fucking problem was.

Terroni said...

I'm happy to entertain, friends.

And Maria, I read your post this weekend... I think you WERE fucked up good :>

Maya said...

Good thing your outburst didn't scare the shit out of the squirrel!

jenny said...

lol, that was so funny! I live surrounded by squirrels but they never fall on my head!

We had a young squirrel in our garden, not very bright, our pond is covered in duckweed which gives it the appearance that there is a solid surface, theres not! and the squirrel found out the hard way, have you ever seen a really embarrassed wet squirrel?

Dear Prudence said...

My dad "used" to believe my best friend was the bad influence until one Easter morning when he decided to deliver my Easter Basket to my new apartment.(yes even now at 45 my parents still make me a basket) As he was walking up he ran into me running down the stairs after a kitten, screaming" You Fucking Little Bastard, get back here!"

Cheryl said...

I can't believe a squirrel fell on your head! I have more squirrel stories for you. Amazing rodents. Tenacious. I just saw Knocked Up and they said enough Fucks for all of us.

CS said...

I used to try to edit my languae around my parents, but no more. Once I was pissed about my sister's lack of support (that's a mild way of presenting her behavior) when my divorce started and I called my mother in tears and when she said maybe I could work things out with her I said, "Fuck her! I don't give a fuck about working things out with her! I'm fucking angry at her!" My mother just said, "I can hear that."