Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A woman who could

My head is pounding. The wine I had for dinner may have something to do with it. I find myself at the end of an interesting day. I can't remember the last time I was a frustrated as I have been today. But, I laughed harder than I have in a long time, too.

On March 23, 2006, I left the ex. I had been with him since I was 18--my entire young adult life. I had no idea what I was in for when I left. If I had, I would have packed smarter. When I look back at the woman I was when I hauled my clothes to Lolita's car on that Thursday afternoon, I almost don't recognize her.

A few days later, he pounded on the door of Lolita's apartment for 45 minutes while I called the police (who didn't come) and prayed he didn't shoot anyone. He eventually drove away, and Lolita and I ran to my car and headed for a safe place. Hours later, as I lay in a strange bed in a strange house, I thought, "Holy shit T...this is a fight for your life."

And so it began.

In the process, I learned more about my own strength, the strength of the one I call my God, and the strength of those who love me than I ever could have imagined. And, today, I realized that I have also learned to laugh. I can be frustrated and pissed and grateful all at once. I can haul my ass through the shit and then float in the joy. And I can do it all in the same day.

The woman who walked out of her house that Thursday afternoon...she couldn't do that. Somehow, in the fight, she became a woman who could.


Rich said...

It's amazing what we can do when we have no other choice. Sounds like you made the right choice.

that was a good post,thanks for sharing.

Carrie said...

Being strong is the only thing we have. Good on ya for taking no shit!

Dear Prudence said...

How deeply I understand your post. The day I realized I had to leave was the day I tried to push him over the 2nd stair railing because he was about to punch me in the face in front of my son. That was the moment I knew my own strength. The strength not to push him but to walk, quickly away. The months that followed were tough, sometimes violent with police and many tears but at least we were safe, for good. The song that was playing when I left the courthouse after my divorce was Bob Dylan's -Like a Rolling Stone: It was a beautiful summer day and the sun was shinning, the windows were down and I was screaming at my ex -
"You thought they were all kiddin' you.You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin' out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

That was a good day!

Maya said...

I also have gone through the process of becoming a strong, independent woman as the result of leaving a spouse.

I truly appreciated your post and feel somewhat comforted knowing that there are others out there who have faced dark days and came out of it triumphantly.

Susanlee said...

You're so brave and strong, and I think that you're just going to get stronger and stronger as time goes on. I'm impressed with you every day and I'm grateful that you share your story with us...

Vic said...

I think that every day is a process of growing - especially when you've been through such a life change.

As long as you realise the process for what it is, you can enjoy what it does for you.

Crap I hope that makes sense. My personal mantra is this might be crap now, but it makes me a better me eventually, and I like that.

Cheryl said...

I became so much stronger and happier after my divorce. I lived in a silent home with a man who made me question my worth. We had a very easy, amicable divorce and he's turned out to be a great Father and very decent to me. I'm very lucky.

Terroni said...

Rich~ Thanks for reading

Carrie~ Thank you!

Prudence~ That sounds like a good day.

Maya~ Always good not to feel like the only one, huh?

Susan~ I hope you're right, and I'm grateful that you read my ramblings.

Vic~ That does make sense, and I like your mantra.

Cheryl~ Now, if you could just get rid of you yard critters... :>

I'm off to peruse more blogs. I've been enjoying some of your blogrolls--visiting your favorite sites.

Mme Benaut said...

Oh Terroni, yes you are brave and strong and you know instinctively what is right and what is not. I can barely wait for September when you will finally be "free" of that creep. I had a similar experience with my previous husband who made his children pack their bags at 4.00 am to catch an early flight back to their home in another city with very high drama, etc. after we had discussed my intention to separate from him (quite calmly) the night before. Two days later I had to leave home in a hurry after my brother who had just spoken with my ex. warned me that one in three murders happens this way. I thought my ex was safely in the other city but on checking realised that he must have taken an early flight (he was/is a pilot). I grabbed a suitcase, threw in it a few bits and pieces and fled within half an hour of that phone call. 5 minutes later, I passed my ex on the freeway coming the other way but he didn't see me, fortunately. I hid for 3 weeks until he calmed down and then only saw him in the company of a stronger male. He continued to threaten me and I waited until he went to Japan before I went back to the house to move out my things - I actually checked that he was on the damned plane! 10 years later we were able talk and laugh together - once he accepted the fact that I was not a chattel (possession) of HIS. This acceptance was a long time coming - several years - but he got there in the end. I really hope that your ex reaches this point but from what I've heard so far, I'm not so sure. Best to stay well clear of him for ever, I suspect. And, your God will watch your back sweetheart (even if he is hard to understand - that's what faith is all about). Thank you little one for sharing with us.

Just a note to Dear Pru - I always knew that your strength came from somewhere deep too. Aren't we lucky to have each other? We can write these things in a relatively safe place and obtain comfort and sustenance from one another.

Maria said...

I am so glad that you posted this one. I worked with women in crisis for a a year. And I was simply stunned at their bravery. Just to stand up in the face of all that intimidation and danger was so admirable.

I think that you are a person of great value and have much to offer the world.

And I bet you thank your lucky stars for L. I mean, talk about showing some true blue friendship...

Good for you. September is coming. Promise.

Terroni said...

Madame~ I fully intend to stay clear of him forever. It is amazing how many women can relate to my story. It is nice to hear from you and Pru--makes a girl feel less alone.

But, you know, if I don't have a court date I'm getting ready for, I can go weeks without thinking about him. All the stuff I do to stay safe has become like second nature, and he is out of sight, out of mind. That may be the biggest victory in all of this.

Maria~ I decided I'm not waiting for September. I paid to have my name changed yesterday and today I got my hair cut short. When my stipend check gets here, I'm going to get new glasses frames.

I was going to wait and do all those things when the damn divorce was final. But then I thought...what the hell is the point in that?