Saturday, June 30, 2007

Macaroni salad and the sleazy underbelly of game shows

Well, it passed. The nausea, that is. Apparently, it was fatigue masquerading as nausea. I slept for a few hours, felt better, and then headed to my cousin's annual 4th of July picnic.

My cousin and I have the same first name. I was going to say that we share a name, but that sort of sounds like she uses it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; and I get it the rest of the week. That's not really how this works.

In order to avoid all confusion, she is called Big T and I am called Little T. This made some sense when she was a big girl, and I was a little girl. For the past twenty years, though, it has sounded increasingly stupid. I suggested we call me Young, Hot T and her The Other One. That hasn't quite caught on like I'd hoped.

In other disappointing news, there was no potato salad. This year, it was macaroni salad. Which, everyone knows, is shit compared to potato salad. I was unbelievably bummed, but drank my way through the pain. I'm a trooper.

Finally, some decisions were made at the picnic. The family decided that Hillary is the best candidate. We admit that none of us really wants to have a drink with her. But, she is smart. We've all seen how well the executive branch runs when powered by a guy with the brains of an earthworm. So, we're thinking we should try something new--we're voting for the candidate with a triple-digit IQ score.

We also decided we're going to start our own TV network. So far, we have two shows lined up. The first is weather. A naked woman stands in front of a map and says, "It could rain, or not. Who cares? You can see my boobies." This was my uncle's idea. None of us could seem to articulate a solid argument against it, so it stands (or, I should say, she stands...without any clothes on). The second show is my cousin, Joe, talking about the sleazy underbelly of game shows, past and present. Joe knows a lot about this. He's done some research, or something. We haven't yet decided if he'll be clothed.

15 comments:

Avarice said...

so. your humor is great - i think i almost woke my roommate with laughter.

dive said...

Your Uncle is a genius, T.
How can I subscribe to your weather channel over here in Britland?

And an intelligent President? Wow!That'll be the first since FDR! Are you sure your country's ready for such a radical change?

Vic said...

I was unbelievably bummed, but drank my way through the pain. I'm a trooper.

You are, indeed, a trooper. I agree completely about macaroni salad not even coming close and I'm pretty sure I would have got through the disappointment the same way you did.

As for naked weather - I used to watch the Naked News which got screened late at night on the comedy channel (for some reason the comedy channel got the rights to that and Sex/Life) and it was a pretty interesting concept. The news was real - and how these girls could keep a straight face delivering the news while they stripped I have no idea.

Robyn said...

Macaroni salad is indeed inferior to potato salad. I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking that.

Having a drink with Hillary--hmmm. I think that could actually be one of your new shows. Each week a different guest gets to set at the bar with her and chitchat about the issues.

Maria said...

I'd actually love to have a drink with Hillary. And I want Bill to be there too. Chelsea, not so much. I was just watching some show today where the commentators (or as Mark Twain called them: Common taters) were talking about Hillary's lack of warmth and friendliness. That just burned my ass. Since when do the men candidates have to pass the friendly accessible test?

And did you see that article about Romney and his dog stowing on the top of his car roof? And his wife is so big in Peta? I chuckled over that one....

Macaroni sucks. Drinking is good, though. And naked weather girls, yeah....that can only be good.

Terroni said...

Thank you for visiting, Avarice. I'm happy to make you laugh.

And I agree with Maria. It is absolutely asinine that we expect Hillary to be warm and friendly. Thankfully, I don't mind voting for a frosty bitch--I call that a kindred spirit.

I'll be sure to let Dive, Vic, and Maria know as soon as we are ready to put together a focus group for naked weather.

Susanlee said...

Ew macaroni salad. Cold pasta is gross... I'd need a drink too. I'm probably the only person in America who will say this, and perhaps they should hire me for the campaign, but I don't get the frosty bitch vibe from Hillary at all. I think she's smart and funny and she's probably who I'm voting for too. I'm gonna vote no on naked weather by the way...unless the weather girl is fat. Too many skinny naked bitches on tv.

Sassy Sundry said...

Hee hee. Macaroni salad IS shit.

Kate Isis said...

I've never really gotten the big deal about potato salad, every time i've eaten the stuff its cold and kinda hard, like the potatoes should have been cooked a little longer.
But I agree macaroni salad would suck severely.
Macaroni should only be used for necklaces and childrens vacation centre pictures.

Carrie said...

You are so freaking hilarious. Earthworm? I give you high 5 for that one. I still haven't decided whom I am going to back. I guess I better do some more research. I'm sure Hillary will be the dem candidate.

I hate macaroni salad.

CS said...

Definitely Joe should be unclothed. It's only fair.

Terroni said...

I'll tell him you said so. He's a pretty accommodating guy...I'll think he'll say something like "Whatever the lady wants."

pumpernickel said...

I like German potato salad with bacon and apples. And think that the game show could be combined somehow with the weather show to make for a really uninteresting reality show.

Mme Benaut said...

T - from way down under, Hillary looks like the best candidate too, not that I have a vote! I sat two rows behind her in the visitor's gallery when her husband addressed our Parliament in 1996 or 1997, while they were on a tour here. She is quite small, height wise but very composed and is clearly capable of wearing the pants. A female President would be amazing.
Potato Salad - warm - with melted butter, bacon pieces and onion - delicious. Your uncle would appreciate M.B's sense of humour and vice versa.
Sorry about the nausea; some maxolon would do the trick.

Terroni said...

I saw the calendar, Madame. He and my uncle would get along quite well ;>