Sunday, June 3, 2007

The Ass Gas Attack of '07

This week, my apartment has smelled. Bad. Like gas. Not furnace gas. Ass gas. When I walked in the other day, I half expected to find some lactose intolerant intruder lying in wait. I've spent most of the week bitching about the smell to the cat. I suspected she was the source, as she has decided that litter boxes are for losers. I should probably clarify here--she still pees in there. Well, in there or in Lolita's shower. Even that is easy enough to clean, what with the drain and all. Plus, it's not my shower. She poops on the carpet, though. Picks a fresh spot every day and just squats. So, needless to say, I thought that perhaps some of the odor could be attributed to the cat--the one who's being paid by the guys at Stanley Steamer to torture me.

Today, however, I found the real source of the smell. It's our damn dishwasher. We never use the thing. We don't own enough dishes to fill it, so what's the point? Today, though, six days into what shall henceforth be known as The Ass Gas Attack of '07 (seriously, check the Weather Channel--that's what they're calling it), I found the odor in the dishwasher. Frankly, I'm kind of surprised it took me six days. My nose is the size of west Texas. Apparently, it's more ornamental than functional. Anyway, there was some collection of brown, nasty, ass gas smelling water in the bottom of the dishwasher. I have no idea how it got there. I'm sure it will be back. But, at the moment, it's gone (nothing a roll of paper towels and some Tilex can't fix).

Now, however, my apartment smells like shit. Again, not the cat. It cooled off a bit today, and I got to thinking, "What would Al Gore do?" The answer, of course, is travel the talk show circuit to tell the world he probably maybe definitely doesn't think he's running for president. But, I don't have time for all that (I have studying to do!), so I decided I'd just turn off my A/C and open the windows.

You know that fresh outdoor air you've heard about? Well, that's a crock of shit. Literally, a crock of shit. The mulch business two doors down has decided to expand--they are now entremanures. Wafting through my windows it's the smell of animal feces. It has been ripening in the sun all week, and the sweet summer breeze is now carrying it right into my living room.

Then, as if that weren't enough, Darwin's Enigma (the nickname Lolita has given to the numb-nuts next door who spend every waking moment proving that natural selection doesn't visit here) started racing around their swamp land (that would be their disgusting, flooded, West Nile virus nirvana of a backyard) on their four-wheelers. So, yeah, now I'm back to the smell of ass gas. Asses filling my apartment with gas.

So...wanna come over? We'll barbecue!


Maria said...

Ass gas. I can tell you that I have had my fill of that.

All that crummy diarrhea I've had...and the worst part was that it reminded me of Orna! I mean, at the end, she was practically a shit machine.

But, the smell goes away. And good for you for turning off the a/c! It gets better at night, the smell. For some reason, the outdoors smells so much better when it isn't being baked by the sun, but cooled by the moon.

Anonymous said...


But I have to ask about the cat, having worked in shelters and Vet office. Has it been to a Vet since this problem occured? Is it young or old? Even kittens know what the litter box is for unless they were weaned from their mother too early. It could be something medical or behavioral, but you might want to talk to your Vet about it, if you haven't already. You don't have to "just deal".

Hope your place will get less stinky soon.

Terroni said...

She's an 13 year old cat. She saw a vet last summer (we were occasionally having the problem then), and he didn't find anything. Lolita changed the brand of litter with mixed results.

I think she misses Lolita and hates the heat. I don't know how pooping on the carpet helps with either of those things...

Cheryl said...

I laughed through this whole post. I'd give anything to have a fraction of your humor. OK...writing skills too. The ornamental nose made me snort.

dive said...

Living in the country doesn't help. For two weeks a year the neighbouring farmer heaps fermenting shit and piss all over his land. It's always the hottest two weeks and it's always when the wind blows from the farm in through my windows.
Hey ho.
The trouble is, I'm anosmic and other than a vaguely unpleasant taste in the air I don't pick up on it. It's only when people come round later to visit that I realise I have to wash all the curtains and steam clean the carpets and soft furnishings. Again.

Susanlee said...

Justin's cat does the random poop thing too. The vet says he has polyps. He's 16.

Robyn said...

OH, the four wheelers. I live next door to four wheelers. Are we neighbors? Seriously, I have thought so many times that these people are sub-species, the way they let their kids ride the damn thing unsupervised. AND, although I don't live near a mulch business, I live very near several corn fields. I just love fertlizing time.

Sassy Sundry said...

Oh, that's so not a gas, now, is it?

amusings_bnl said...

al gore would get rid of the cat, i think.

anyway -- how you managed to CSI:Ohio that ass gas smell and figure out it was coming from the dishwasher is beyond me. Way to go! Grissom would be proud.

we use our dishwasher every other day, so in a year, nary a pool has built. but my dog once in a while will be exceptionally bad and pee against something upright. usually the fresh laundry basket. thanks asshole. appreciate it. now i have to wash this again and destink the plastic basket.


Mme Benaut said...

Oh Terroni - you've done it again - making me laugh out loud! And the comments are almost as funny!
First - I think you should move as soon as your exams are over.
Second - the cat is playing up because Lolita is away - I should add that this is a guess but my 9 year old cat sometimes pees in the litter tray that I keep in the bathroom for Sascha but only uses it when it is pouring with rain and she doesn't want to get her feet wet; she invariably misses because she starts peeing in a squat position but then stands up which is what she normally does outside, marking her territory. However, if she is cranky with me, she uses the litter tray and deliberately misses - it's called pay back. If the problem doesn't change when Lolita returns then another trip to the vet might be called for!
Good luck with the exams little one! Only another week and a bit to go.
Oh, and M.B's son and girlfriend are also expecting! Baby due on 11 December. Good luck with that too.